[ Trahearne genuinely thinks about that for a moment. He stands perfectly still as he thinks, keeping Syrlya in his gentle hold.
What upsets him is the terrible pang of hopelessness he felt when he saw them together at van Zieks's town meeting--but that's on him. What upsets him is that Syrlya came to him and told him that it was not romantic, yet he feels the seed of doubt take hold as he wonders if he does it because Syrlya wants to kiss Adelis--but that's on him. These are Trahearne's problems, anxieties that will gnaw away at him in moments he thinks he is at peace.
He will always apologize because he will always inadvertently hurt Syrlya, like now. He will always apologize because he recognizes he will never be good enough, like now. He will always apologize because he knows he can never be perfect, like now.
But the affection itself? If Adelis did not need to be fed in that manner, would it bother him?
Probably not.
Who is he to speak, anyway? With his fading affections for Kaeya--something he came to accept and let go a long, long ago--and intense lust for Mishka, he would only be a hypocrite.
He has no control over how Syrlya feels, and he shouldn't. Syrlya is free to feel however he likes with regards to any another person. Trahearne can't stop him. All he can do is accept and love who he is, feelings directed towards others and all.
That will be a learning curve, he thinks, knowing he kisses another. ]
No.
[ When his answer comes, it is decisive. No hesitation, or stuttering. He feels embarrassed for having thought about this for so long, because he thinks it should be a no-brainer. ]
You should feel things as they come to you, naturally. [ He says this to comfort Syrlya more than himself. ] It is my job to accept you as you are, unconditionally.
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What upsets him is the terrible pang of hopelessness he felt when he saw them together at van Zieks's town meeting--but that's on him. What upsets him is that Syrlya came to him and told him that it was not romantic, yet he feels the seed of doubt take hold as he wonders if he does it because Syrlya wants to kiss Adelis--but that's on him. These are Trahearne's problems, anxieties that will gnaw away at him in moments he thinks he is at peace.
He will always apologize because he will always inadvertently hurt Syrlya, like now. He will always apologize because he recognizes he will never be good enough, like now. He will always apologize because he knows he can never be perfect, like now.
But the affection itself? If Adelis did not need to be fed in that manner, would it bother him?
Probably not.
Who is he to speak, anyway? With his fading affections for Kaeya--something he came to accept and let go a long, long ago--and intense lust for Mishka, he would only be a hypocrite.
He has no control over how Syrlya feels, and he shouldn't. Syrlya is free to feel however he likes with regards to any another person. Trahearne can't stop him. All he can do is accept and love who he is, feelings directed towards others and all.
That will be a learning curve, he thinks, knowing he kisses another. ]
No.
[ When his answer comes, it is decisive. No hesitation, or stuttering. He feels embarrassed for having thought about this for so long, because he thinks it should be a no-brainer. ]
You should feel things as they come to you, naturally. [ He says this to comfort Syrlya more than himself. ] It is my job to accept you as you are, unconditionally.
[ That, is something he says to himself. ]