( Ellis is right. Unlike Ostoya, he doesn't have the avenues to sequester himself and obscure his plans; not forever. He and Adelis are involved, for better or worse, and he can only push Adelis away so ferociously before it proves the opposite effect, and Adelis grows fixated on skinning him.
It's difficult to keep the scales balanced. )
"... If I were as selfless as I sometimes sound, I would have acted more decisively already."
( If he were to pursue death, if he were to beg the Goddess for a cell, if he were to seek someone who could seal things away, that would cut short that thread quite decisively.
But he doesn't want to die, he doesn't want to go without his curse, he doesn't want to exist in the endless limbo of a cell... He wants his cake and to eat it too. His moment of self-sacrifice in Ostoya could have only been a fluke. )
"... But I have not; I procrastinate. I suppose I wish to exist, as myself, even at the expense of everyone else. I am not that good to Adelis."
( And sometimes, wanting to live is selfish. But he has always rebelled against circumstances that wished for him otherwise. )
no subject
It's difficult to keep the scales balanced. )
"... If I were as selfless as I sometimes sound, I would have acted more decisively already."
( If he were to pursue death, if he were to beg the Goddess for a cell, if he were to seek someone who could seal things away, that would cut short that thread quite decisively.
But he doesn't want to die, he doesn't want to go without his curse, he doesn't want to exist in the endless limbo of a cell... He wants his cake and to eat it too. His moment of self-sacrifice in Ostoya could have only been a fluke. )
"... But I have not; I procrastinate. I suppose I wish to exist, as myself, even at the expense of everyone else. I am not that good to Adelis."
( And sometimes, wanting to live is selfish. But he has always rebelled against circumstances that wished for him otherwise. )