crescentview | Fall Catchall

( Hm. )

... Does it irritate you, the idea that he may spend such time with others?

No. [Mmmmostly.] But I do not care for him saying one thing to me and then acting on another--especially not if he acts on assumptions without talking to me.

( grips that "mostly" in the brackets!!! )

You don't let things go, do you? He has apologized, and he most certainly will apologize again. If you wish to exact a price in blood ( sap? ) for the emotional trouble, then I'm certain he'd be willing to pay that, too. You need only say the word.

I won't tell you you can't be irate with him, but his motivations are far too simplistic to be worth picking at.

( It seemed quite plain Trahearne made it clear he wasn't pulling something like that again... even if Mishka doesn't think he was in the wrong. But Trahearne would probably quarrel with him if he tried to argue with Syrlya on that point, and he isn't interested in a one man crusade to defend anonymous date applications, of all things. )

Besides, I'm quite certain that, if he thought you had only a modicum of interest in him, he would quite instantly send anyone else he may be liasioning with packing.

Edited 2023-02-02 20:20 (UTC)

It isn't just the application. [Though that certainly brought it bubbling to a head.] I already intend talk to him once my ire subsides and I can be reasonable about it.

[Which is not now, by the way he is glaring at the ceiling.

No comment on the second part though.]

( Hmmm !! )

You intend to confront him about this perceived habit of floozying about, then?

What? No. [He tilts his head to give Mishka an incredulous look.] I intend to talk to him about us. Whatever romantic prospects he is seeking out isn't really my business unless he decides to make it so.

( It would be so much easier if he could just tell Syrlya what Trahearne's deal is... It's so hard to respect Trahearne's right to tell Syrlya he loves him on his own terms... Respecting other people's boundaries is so hard... He didn't go to villain school to end up having to deal with this... )

... I don't believe he has other romantic prospects?

( Just... The one... )

Did he say so, or is that based on his apparent intent to stay by my side which he had at no point mentioned to me? [He sighs, tilting his head away to look the other direction.] But like I said, it isn't my business either way. I can respect his privacy on the matter.

( What if he just fatally wounded Syrlya and left it up to Trahearne to save him... Good folks like bonding over a shared enemy, right... But Trahearne might not take advantage of the opportunity.. Hm... )

... You'll have to forgive my forward question, and I'll have to ask you to trust that I won't mention this to him, but do you feel at all any amount of love for Trahearne?

[There's a long pause before he turns his head back to Mishka.] You are referring, specifically, to whether or not I feel any romantic fancy for him?

[Just clarifying before he decides how to spill his heart.]

Of course. If there is anything that is apparent, it's clear that you care for him in ways otherwise already.

( Syrlya does care about Trahearne, as far as he can tell, but whether there's a romantic undertone to it... Honestly, Mishka can't gauge. )

[The look Syrlya fixes Mishka with is... hard to read. After a moment he pushes himself up to sit, staring off into nothing.]

I have been in love with Trahearne for a very long time. But it was never something I saw manifesting as anything. It wasn't responsible to pursue and... then he was lost to us, well before his time.

[Trahearne always deserved to live to see Tyria in its era of peace. If only Syrlya had been fast enough.]

( Hm.

He raises himself up a little to sit proper, leaning back. )

... Then I feel comfortable saying that I don't believe he's interested in pursuing anyone else. But I do believe he's done some distracting things because he's certain you would be off put by his advances; I don't think he understands you have this style of love for him.

Well, I have kept it close to heart until recently. No need to make things awkward over it. [He shrugs a shoulder.]

... And were that the case, it is something he has to actually talk to me about honestly. I haven't really considered pursuing him at all. I certainly won't be changing that while he is so indecisive.

[Yeah, having feelings he has no intention of pursuing, maybe Mishka should understand that.]

... He has always seemed quite decisive about you in my company.

( Which is not to say both can't be true, that Trahearne has seemed vague in Syrlya's eyes and yet clear on his feelings with everyone else, but.

It is a little frustrating in some way he can't place. )

Well, I'll speak to him. But, in the same way you'd like if he were clear to you, consider being clear with him, yes? This seems a sore spot for the both of you, and letting it fester seems only worse.

[It's been nothing but frustrating for Syrlya, and he can't help the scowl at the reminder Trahearne can apparently be forthright with everyone else except him.]

My romantic desires are the least important part of what he means to me. I have always been honest how much I care, so I don't know what he expects for me to prove is where he does not doubt my intentions.

Perhaps the problem is he still expects me to be as I was years ago, and not the person I turned into. I don't know.

I don't believe he fails to value the person you are now, nor does he fail to comprehend you care for him in a multitude of ways. He simply doesn't recognize you're attracted to him romantically.

( Maybe we should just cancel love all together, really. This is all nonsense. )

... He believes sincerely in that future with you. But you have changed and lived a rich life without him. It is difficult to envision a future with a dead man, yes? And it is difficult for the person left behind to envision there is any space for them when your life is so full without them.

( He taps the arm of the chair. If Adelis had described a seven years without Mishka with such richness and adventure, and Mishka were in love with him...

He doesn't know what he'd do. Kill him, maybe, and see that they both remain dead. )

If he thinks he would no longer have a place in my life just because I have not spent it alone, then he really does fail to comprehend how I care for him. [He's quick to demean himself, and Syrlya's not sure he carries enough real faith in Syrlya himself that his words have any lasting impact anymore. Maybe that's why he hasn't bothered to run these fantastical ideas by him, even though they have accomplished the impossible before.]

... But I don't want him to ruin himself chasing after me in a way that may not be possible. Even just seeing him again like this was more than I could hope for.

( Well, if anything, Mishka did need to hear that for Adelis, because he was projecting a little. Still, he won't comment on it. )

... Perhaps this would not be ruin, but closure, for him. He did not have the opportunity to pursue it at home for reasons you've well outlined, and now he has the chance.

Unless it would be too difficult on you, if you began anything here, knowing there is a chance he may return to death in time.

[Syrlya gives Mishka a wry expression. Throwing closure back at him, huh?]

... To tell the truth, I don't really know. I can't imagine it would hurt worse than his actual death did.

[A faint sigh heaves out of him before he rests his chin on his hand.] I think I would worry, more, that I will not live up to his ideal of me.

( Absolutely. He meets the expression with half a grin. )

I don't know if that's possible. I think about half your personality could change tomorrow and he'd still fold it into all the things he likes about you.

( But... )

... I imagine you'd prefer a more grounded approach to your person?

I just--[His shoulders bunch for a moment. He purses his lips into a frown.] I've racked up far more failures than successes since I failed to save him. I already know some of my decisions have disappointed him.

[Try as he might to hide it, that Syrlya did not succeed his place as Marshal. He had kept the details around himself vague when catching Trahearne up on the state of Tyria--he didn't want to ruin their whole getaway proving he failed to be the hero that was expected of him.]

( He lets Syrlya have his moment, and he does not regard it with judgment. It's not a sentiment he doesn't understand, in some smaller way; the idea that he failed Adelis, failed to save him, weighs on him.

He can't imagine what it must be like for someone who cared about a great many more people, and took a great amount of responsibility for some greater number of duties. Even worse if you're loathe to disappoint another. It all sounds exhausting.

He considers this. )

... Still, you are your failures as much as your successes. Certainly, his view of you is rosy; and, certainly, he may be disappointed if he acknowledges your missteps.

( Trahearne's love is heavy, and maybe too blinding. He does wonder if Trahearne can look Syrlya level and recognize his failures, and find them endearing all the same. It would require recognizing Syrlya has failed, though, which seems particularly challenging. )

But if he cares for you as nobly as he claims, he ought gladly consume these parts of you, too. You can only ever be yourself, and that is whom he should love.

( It is, of course, putting it to the test that's the nerve-wracking part. )

Edited 2023-02-04 11:37 (UTC)

[Only ever be himself... sometimes he wishes he could really be something else.

But there's no need to burden Mishka with what are only his responsibilities. Much of it is things he cannot change now.

He glances aside to Mishka.] Well, if he decides to broach the topic I am sure you will here the results. He has clearly been confiding in you.

( Don't we all!

At that, he laughs lightly. )

Our closeness is somewhat dishonest. I had been privy to the end of his life in some strange shared dream, and the rest of it came out when we were a dozen shots in at the town hall. I enjoy his company, but I would not particularly envy its inorganic bloom.

( In other words, it's not really a mark against Syrlya that Trahearne tells Mishka more than he does Syrlya. That sure was a weird series of events. )

Honestly, it startled me to know he doesn't speak to you of his heart. ( Says MAN WHO WILL NOT COMMUNICATE WITH ADELIS ) But I'll see that I twist his arm a little bit.

Fall Catchall

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)