🌳 trahearne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pactmarshal) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
crescentview2023-03-02 09:14 pm
pactmarshal) wrote in crescentview2023-03-02 09:14 pm
🌲 winter catchall 🌲
❄️ WHO: Trahearne & u baby!
❄️ WHAT: closed starters for winter
❄️ WHEN: all throughout winter
❄️ WHERE: all over the island
❄️ WARNINGS: to be added in thread headers (definitely nsfw)
❄️ WHAT: closed starters for winter
❄️ WHEN: all throughout winter
❄️ WHERE: all over the island
❄️ WARNINGS: to be added in thread headers (definitely nsfw)
no subject
It's not as if Syrlya is being unreasonable, but Mishka is, and unreasonable wants unreasonable. He would offer Trahearne's life on a platter for Adelis, but could Adelis offer Syrlya's? If he could not prove it with action, then he is forced to argue his case some other way.
Still, there is a gradual receding of the previous violence of his thoughts, suggesting that Adelis, in response to Trahearne's specific prompting, which holds up the framework of Adelis's more indirect speech, has done some right by Mishka.
He exhales, quiet. If Trahearne will let him, he will stride past him, to the couch, and take back his seat beside him, arms crossed. What he wants really is to hold him, but the way he wants to hold Adelis is much more vulnerable than sensual, and he isn't putting that on display for the other two. )
... Only Adelis gets me like this. I won't apologize for it.
( He isn't going to argue any point further. He seems to have understood the magnitude of what Adelis means, and he accepts it, for now. The buzzing fades into a quiet hum.
He had been very clear when confessing that regardless of his feelings, Adelis was whom he felt the most for. He does not think it unreasonable that he wanted the same stated in turn. This is only fair, and he, like all Ostoyans, takes that balance deathly seriously.
But since Syrlya reiterates that he has no clue what it is that triggered a shift in Trahearne's feelings, he glances at Trahearne, recalling what he said about how he felt when Mishka took care of him in Adelis's body. Is that what he likes? Weighty affection?
It's almost a question directed to Trahearne himself, since he knows he can hear him. )
So we care for one another in a circle. What then?
( Despite everything, this question is genuine. If they're going to accept Syrlya's argument as basis going forward... where are they going, exactly? )
no subject
Syrlya gets Trahearne's full attention as he begins to speak; something in him melts a little bit. Sorry, this is one of the reasons why he feel so deeply in love with him all those years ago. His gaze softens a bit, and his head tilts to the side as he listens. He speaks perfect sense. It's true. Trahearne himself feels a fool for ever doubting Syrlya's love for him, and he feels an even bigger fool for letting himself find affections for someone that is not him.
He visibly relaxes as he sees Adelis's words take effect. He can hear the quieting of the ominous buzz in Mishka's mind, and though he does not step back, he leans in a way that allows him to walk past.
For a second, his eyes rest on Mishka. He hears those questions directed towards him. Trahearne's expression falls for a second, guilt stronger than anything else he feels in that moment. It was the sudden culmination of everything that broke me, he thinks. Try as I might, I could not win, it seems.
When he sees things calm, judging that things are probably going to be okay and that Mishka is probably not going to kill Syrlya, Trahearne takes a couple of steps back and finds his spot in his chair again. He leans forward, elbows on his knees, and he folds his hands before his mouth.
What then, indeed? ]
... I don't know.
[ Maybe someone else has a better, more articulated answer, but he does not know what to do with all the facts laid out before them like this. And he speaks his mind, perhaps more to himself.
Again, the question rolls around in his mind--
Polyamory? ]
I suppose that hinges on whether we decide to act on it or not.
[ That sounds like the next logical step. ]
no subject
What then, indeed. What does he do with a reality that Adelis likes him back? Ignore it, push it down to preserve a precious friendship he doesn't want to lose again?
The brief happiness that occurred from the confession has already faded. Now he can't find joy in any of these revelations.
Trahearne's suggestion makes him tense.]
... I know when we talked about your feelings I said I would support whatever made you and Mishka happiest. [He purses his lips, lifting a weary gaze up at them. First to Trahearne, then to Mishka... and finally Adelis.]
But I don't think that is really what anyone here wants. I... cannot give you my blessing to actually form a romantic attachment to each other--though I am not angry and I do not ask that you two attempt to smother your feelings the way I did, since we have established breaking friendships will not work.
[But there's certainly no way Mishka would be able to stand the idea of Syrlya and Adelis in his mind, he's not sure Adelis could accept Trahearne, and there's really no way to keep things balanced if only two of them get everything they want.
Not that he considers Adelis would even want to romance him. It's a new revelation for him too. He's entirely focused on one side of each relationship having multiple others while the other has to worry about just keeping their friendship in tact. Love is just far too complicated.]
no subject
But now they're all sitting, this information also sitting pretty in their heads. God, what a mess. Not in a million years did he think there would be a full circle of fucking emotions here, but here they are, and he really has no idea how to proceed- and it seems really none of them do, as well.
Trahearne's words have his lips pursing, partly in bewilderment. It's- well, not what he would have thought of, ever, and certainly not something he'd ever broach himself if given the chance. But then again, he rarely thought himself capable of relationships in the first place, so that shouldn't be surprising. He wouldn't call himself the overly jealous sort, not like the man beside him, but he was guilty of insecurity for a few reasons.
That being cleared, however, he merely peers through an unfocused gaze at Syrlya as he proceeds to take back his words. So he's not particularly interested, huh.
Well. He should have expected that. For whatever feelings they may have, he wouldn't be the best of partners, anyway. ]
...Personally, you cannot speak for me. [ Perhaps this is surprising, but Adelis' wavering tone is more solid than before, leaning back in his chair as he closes his eyes. ] Regards of how I felt...before, due to my beliefs, I believe I've heard enough. I was never the possessive sort to begin with, and I would prefer things to not fester and rot as they have up till now. If it is a mutual affair, of course.
[ This is just his onion, of course...they're Ostoyans, and their views of relationships and all that sort tends to be fairly skewed. If Mishka were still coming home to him, and not up and confessing his undying love to someone else, then....well, it'd be better than the early days where he was shoved off while Mishka was pursing his supposed Crescentview harem. At this with this, he'd know where he was.
And Syrlya, well....he was not lying, when he said he did miss things. It just ended up being more then he thought. When his eyes open, he finally fixes his gaze on the other man, unblinkingly. Yes, he is being serious. ]
...But mine is just one opinion of many. If not everyone is of like mind and with no desire for it, then there is simply no point.
[ Another tentative rub to his wet face, which sure is still going. God. ]
no subject
... You seem so eager to condemn yourself, he answers, after a time, somewhere in his sea of thoughts. Like the rest of them, he has a lot to process and settle into. This is flattering, but it's also a lot of things, because he's uncertain about handling feelings. But your heart has never wavered from Syrlya. If the two of you consider your debt settled, your conflict before, you'd be better served to let it go.
Easier said than done, certainly, considering he and Adelis still nurses wounds from Fall. When is a debt considered settled? When is it considered done, squared away, even?
Only the two of them can decide that, and Mishka considers it in their best interests to make progress on the matter. So long as Trahearne remains guilty and Syrlya remains cautious about this whole affair about loving another, they will go in circles, infinitely, both ends of their scales in endless vacillation.
Is Syrlya more amenable to you in private? he could sense himself about to feel a bit of annoyance toward Syrlya, so he's going to channel it into a question that isn't so critical. He always seems to turn his shoulder to you.
He glances at Adelis, the sharp intrusion of his heel very difficult to miss, and the suggestion that he does owe an apology. He's just going to shift closer to Adelis, shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh, because he knows Adelis doesn't want him to be close. This is his heel-shove in return, but affectionate-aggressive.
Adelis's answer, though, surprises him, and he is quiet for a time as he mulls over his own feelings. Syrlya, frankly, has a strong point, and he agrees with the logic of it; however, he is not one to dismiss Adelis's surprisingly generous gesture, nor the suggestion that he feels secure in Mishka's affections for him. That improves his mood quite a bit.
Best to start at the simplest place, though— and that is not with feelings, it is with transaction. )
... If Adelis is in favor, I will be of equal mind. ( Since he's not going to kill Adelis, and all. Though the bug part of him did consider it, for a minute. It's obviously going to take work on his end, but he doesn't need to say that, does he? Everyone here has eyes. If they want to engage it, they're going to have to take him as he is. But, if only Adelis can do that, then... he does not want for more. ) And do not take this as a self-sacrificial gesture, for I have done it once before and I do not intend to make a habit of it going forward.
( Honestly, he's more surprised Trahearne is willing to suggest it after seeing him like this. Like, surely him being a weirdo is a bit of a turn-off, right? )
If Adelis's attachment to me dwarfs any other, then my foremost concern is addressed.
no subject
It can't be that simple? Syrlya hasn't felt that burning jealousy, only the result others, so how can all three of them so quickly turn around and say it's not a big deal, really?
He leans back in his chair, folding his arms, sinking back into it.]
That's... sudden, isn't it? [The flip from jealousy to acceptance? Especially Mishka, who reacted so intensely.] As Adelis said before, it would only work if both--if everyone involved is happy with the arrangement.
[Again, between Adelis, Mishka, although his attention still flickers to Trahearne as well whose reaction, as much as Syrlya tries to take his word and get over it, still stings.
But to Mishka, first:] Would you really not be hurt or bitter if I lay with Adelis again, knowing there is feeling to it?
[To Adelis:] And even if you did not want to make anything of it, what if Mishka lays with Trahearne?
[And to Trahearne, looking aside:] ... We have talked about this, and--I trust your word. If you will trust mine.
no subject
That Adelis, and Mishka agree that they would be fine acting on it, is just as much a surprise to Trahearne as it is to Syrlya.
Well, Mishka, mostly. But it seems, overall, Mishka is a simple man. At least when it comes to matters of Adelis.
Trahearne's brow furrows in thought. Is he okay with it? Is he ready for something like this? He looks at Mishka and understands there is no way his affections for him will ever outshine those he has for Syrlya--that, he is certain, and he is almost sure Syrlya understands this, too. And he is not hurt by the prospect of Mishka putting Adelis over him--he would be more upset if it were the other way around.
So what of Syrlya and Adelis, then? The explicit thought of them holding hands, kissing, sleeping together...surprisingly, earns himself no reaction. Perhaps it's due to how many times he's rolled those images around in his head. But hearing Syrlya affirm his love for Trahearne, his intent, the degree of affection he has for Adelis has, in a way, helped greatly. He knows their love for one another runs deep, as they have both felt first-hand, so as time passes and they settle in their relationship, he finds fewer and fewer reasons to doubt their bond.
Trahearne glances at Syrlya in turn. ] Of course. I trust you. Without question.
We may have talked before, but acting on this will mean constant talking. This conversation will never end. [ In a metaphorical sense. It's going to be a lot of work. He lifts his gaze a bit to direct his attention to the other two. ] This can only work if we speak openly with one another--not only with our romantic interests, but our opposites as well. [ His eyes settle on Adelis. He means u bb ] As Adelis said, we cannot let anything rot or fester, because what affects one of us will ultimately affect all of us.
[ He isn't aware that he hasn't brought up his own feelings on the matter.
His gaze darts to Mishka, that muffled annoyance, those direct questions getting his attention. Is Syrlya more amenable to him in private? Mishka is suddenly privy to a flood of all the naughty things they've been up to since they started dating--things they've said, noises Syrlya's made, lewd thoughts Trahearne has had about Syrlya because of it--before comes a simple answer: Yes.
Trahearne's eyes drop in thought before they lift again to look at Syrlya. His expression is neutral, and his tone is measured. What does Trahearne think of all of this, anyway? He doesn't seem to be letting any of that slip. At least, not verbally. ]
But like you said--it only works if we are all happy with the arrangement, and if I do not have your blessing, then that's that.
no subject
[ At least, in this instance. Considering the other two didn't see it that well, it'd make sense they couldn't see the extent of Mishka's fucked up obsession- but he's seen it now, and felt it's intensity as well in a way they cannot, so with that confirmation he feels relatively content.
Content-ish, anyway. More than some people would. This is not the outcome he was expecting this meeting to have, but fuck, they're all here and stuck in a circle of emotions.
( And while he won't admit it or even mostly acknowledge it, truthfully, he doesn't really want to leave here on bad...or less than usual terms with Syrlya again. ) ]
...It's certainly not as if he hasn't made himself busy around this island already.
[ Slut-shaming my boyfriend...but really, it's not incorrect. He was less happy about it when they weren't together, and the words were harsher and far more dismissive, and he had no knowledge that Mishka felt any way for him that wasn't apathy or contempt. He doesn't look so much irritated as much as he does exasperated, shifting away from Mishka's retaliation at pressing himself closer. staybackslut.png
It's. It's probably not too convincing while he looks like this, but trust him. He's being honest. ]
There are far worse things he could be doing, and I'd rather it be with someone I'm aware of rather than not. [ A idle tug at his hair. ] If anything, I'd be more worried for others besides himself- he's insufferable, after all.
[ That's like, a warning, Trahearne. He's also not going to mention how really, that might spare him in some capacity, because a certain someone is an insatiable bastard. A flashback of all the time he gets casually felt up in a day...
Speaking of, he can (barely) catch that glance due to his blindness, but he merely squints back, fresh wave of salt sliding down his cheeks. Hm. ]
...I will admit that matters of the heart are not a topic I excel at dealing with nor speaking of compared to others. [ He's got allergies. ] But I suppose it is something I could not avoid if I tried, regardless. If honesty is required, then I will give it.
[ Bluntly and harshly. ]
no subject
Don't even ask how he rationalizes liking Trahearne (he doesn't want to examine it). Illicit sentiments aside, his feelings for him are uncomfortably saccharine. The idea that he's capable of sweetness of sentiment, toward Trahearne and Adelis, discomfits him.
Though, he supposes Trahearne sometimes reminds him in the vaguest ways of a thing he no longer has, and it's why he only finds his attempts to take command of the meeting professionally endearing, even if the manner is off— the demeanor is not in synchrony with his memory. It's the feeling that's similar, in some strange way.
But his thoughts digress.
He had expected this query coming, and he lets the others speak first, because he knows it will temper his feeling. He isn't exactly proud of leaping to his feet in a fury. But they speak, and he studies Adelis, and how he's moved away from him, for a long period before his gaze returns to the others, and then Syrlya. )
... If you want to know the face of my jealousy, it's that I don't like it when another so much as looks at him in the town.
( He brings up an arm over the back of the couch, resting it along the top, and resting his cheek against his knuckles. )
But Adelis would not be happy if I were to deprive him of people, or the sun, and so I don't indulge the worst of me.
( He tries to be on pretty good behavior, especially around Trahearne, but if they really want honesty, they really want to put him within vicinity of their vulnerability...
Well, this is what he is. They should know. Even if he argues this is because of his poison, his beast, it doesn't matter; he and his sickness are so tightly tangled there's no cleanly marking where the monster ends and Mishka begins. He was infected since childhood, and his thoughts since then have slowly changed.
Maybe there was never a Mishka, really. Maybe there was ever only this terrible thing, that has been trained to hold itself back. )
... So if you ask if I will be jealous, the answer is yes, but I am better for trying to be better than I am. If I did not try, or try for Adelis, then I would still be on a rampage in the woods, yes?
( ... He shifts closer to Adelis again. He'll corner u to the far arm of the couch if he must,
In any case, his conclusion is that he doesn't know, but he's open to trying. Adelis wants it, and he has to decide how he feels about that, beneath instinct of violence. )
But if you worry my displeasure will be explosive, I can give my word that I'll refrain. Should a time come that I decide I cannot stand it, I can simply raise my hand and say I would like to call the whole thing off, surely?
You are, after all, the one who suggested it better to pursue an endeavor, even if it seems there is a chance of failure, than to give up on the onset.
no subject
And then there's Mishka, and that response is one that he expects the most. Of course it can't be that easy to get over such feelings, when all of them walked into these relationships expecting only two.
His expression twitches into a frown briefly as Mishka brings up his own words. This is different, obviously.] I think the consequences for trying and failing here are worse than not trying in other contexts. I don't want to hurt you either, either on the onset or by asking you to tear apart a relationship and take back the thing you became with Trahearne if I did agree with it.
[He bites his lip, looking at Trahearne.] When we spoke before, you had no interest in any further relationship with Mishka, but has that changed now? Do you want to be with him?
[If Trahearne really wants this... Syrlya finds it hard to want to deny him for his own sake. If Mishka makes Trahearne happy, if Trahearne wants to date him, who is he to deprive him of love?]
1/2
Well, maybe that's his fault for starting it. But that's a pretty good indication of where they would stand in a theoretical relationship: when they have a channel of communication that the others do not even know exists, they would rather share indecent images of their own beloveds than speak about each other. And it's strangely. Comforting?
Mishka and Adelis remain firm in their decisions, Mishka explains himself. Trahearne's eyes dart briefly to Adelis, understanding his warning. Insufferable? Never. Not once has Mishka been insufferable with him. Not even the times he felt him toeing the line in his heart did he not want to hang around him. He would have hit the bricks otherwise, right?
But then Syrlya turns the question to him, reframing it in a way that makes it unavoidable for Trahearne to answer.
Does he?
Trahearne looks at Syrlya first. He never, ever wants to hurt or doubt him like that again. Much like Syrlya, he doesn't want to deprive him of love... He hates how hypocritical this whole thing is—how he is. He realizes Syrlya will be giving him an earful later, and he's already steeled himself for that.
So this hinges on him, then?
His eyes drift from Syrlya, to Adelis, to Mishka. And they settle there as he thinks about his answer, eyes boring into him hard. With a breath, he slowly lifts the containment on his feelings, and allows himself to freely feel what he does. He thinks of all the time they spent together, one on one, the conversations they've had, how he's felt when Mishka has danced over that line. How that serene smile masks murky depths beneath.
I want to kiss him, he thinks. I want to drown in his affection.
no subject
... I do. [ He scrubs his hands over his face, as if trying to hide the guilt and disappointment he feels in himself for being like this. Mishka's words about his guilt echo in his mind, but he thinks that's something he'll just have to work on.
When he looks up again, there's a frown on his face as he turns to look to Syrlya. They are of the same mind—who is he to deny him love? ]
But only if you embrace your happiness with Adelis. Do not hold back because of thought of me.
no subject
He is Not Looking as Mishka scoots closer again.
Syrlya's words have him ruminating, something he continues as Trahearne clearly seems to try and decide on his course of action. They need not ask what Mishka wants, for Adelis already knows- when Mishka desires something, he wants to take it, in a fit of expected greed. Adelis is, personally, not so different...merely far more tempered, despite his disposition. He is blunt with his wants, not with his feelings, as it is far easier to line your pockets with gold and steel than it is love and affection. Even faced with all this, he struggles to put his feeling flat to paper.
Hell, he had to have it suckerpunched out of him by Mishka's abrupt confession. Had he not handed it to him that way, who knows how well it would have gone otherwise.
He isn't expecting Trahearne to bring up him, gaze snapping to the older Sylvari for a moment before the words sink in. Right. Part of him feels Syrlya has no interest whatsoever, judging by his reactions, but the other part of him is rather tired from listening to this for so long. A moment passes, and Adelis opts to interrupt. ]
That is another thing entirely.
[ He certainly has to do his best to look serious while he looks like this, but he leans forward, chin resting on his hand as he stares as the Syrlya-shaped blur across from him. Just because he can't see him clearly doesn't mean the intensity is diminished any. ]
You have sat here asking for our opinions, and ours only, whilst neglecting yourself. That is not how this will work, if it does at all. [ His gaze narrows somewhat. ] You dislike considering you and your own desires over that of everyone else. This is clearly an involved conversation, and thus that means yourself as well, regardless of how you'd prefer to defer to what others think.
[ He sharply swipes a thumb under a watery eye. ]
What do you want, Syrlya. Want, explicitly. [ He is not Mcfucking around. ] I suggest you be honest and clear, because if you aren't, I'll drag it out of you by force to balance the scales this conversation has tipped. You should know by now that I am very serious about that.
no subject
I won't break my bond with Adelis for your sake again. [He reassures, a brief tug of a smile. That much is easy for him to promise.
It slips, though, as Adlis speaks and Syrlya turns his attention to him and every word sinks right in. There's a moment he's torn, between the flattery of being seen at his core and that this is a situation he would have preferred to resolve everyone else's more volatile feelings first. He has, after all, had the longest time to come to terms with his.
What he wants is a question he does not often ask himself. There is what he can and cannot have, and a plethora of things that are so far out of the bounds of his life that they don't even merit consideration. So what does he want?
He purses his lips into a thin line, his thoughts strangely silent. Because he knows, actually, and has simply held down giving it any air.
His shoulders sink, heavy.] For most of my life, Trahearne is the only one I have ever felt for in such a way. Even after his death, though I have known the love of many friends--of my family, there had not been anyone that could actually put a yearning in me. Not until you.
[Adelis wasn't just important, as many people were. Adelis was special, a presence that stands unique in Syrlya's eyes. Ultimately different from Trahearne, but sharing the same ability to draw Syrlya towards him physically, emotionally, in a way others have not.
He slides his arms free of each other, pushing up from his chair to approach Adelis. Just to be a foot away, kneeling just enough that he can be level with Adelis. His tears are probably not helping his vision especially at this distance, but in lieu of his ability to see Syrlya brings the weight of his voice and presence closer for clarity instead. As he looks at Adelis with equal intensity. The adoration he feels swells, but he doesn't falter under it.]
If I am to stop holding back, it is certain that I will fall deeply in love with you.
[... His gaze drops, down and to the side. Softer.] I had not considered that a path that would lead to anything but heartache. For many reasons. But I want to be able to love you more.
no subject
He's never liked it, truthfully. It is one thing to put others first, and another to sabotage yourself frequently to do so.
Perhaps it's an indication of how much Adelis grew comfortable with his presence, that he didn't see fit to bring it up till now, respecting his autonomy to an extent to be himself. Now, however, being himself is just hurting himself, and he finds that pangs irritation deep in his chest. Perhaps it's the ravings of a greedy, self-serving bastard, but no good comes from running yourself ragged and shedding pieces of yourself 'till there is little left.
The admittance is...not necessarily surprising, but hearing it still makes him blink all the same. 'Yearn' is not a phrase he'd oft associate with how people would feel towards him. Lust is one he's heard before, despise is another, but yearn...it's such a soft, unassuming word.
He isn't expecting Syrlya to get up, nor does he expect him to get so close- he's even blurrier now, just a mass of fuzzy, blurry lines and color, but it does little to retract from the impact of his words. Some part of him feels grateful his face is already red, because he's certain the faint burn of his flush would be visible otherwise.
That's- hm. He did want honesty, yes, and it's good that he's getting it out, he just wasn't...expecting the passion behind it. Love is a word both he and Mishka still struggle with, their affections in action and Mishka's teasing, although it's not like he hasn't heard it. He's rigid for a few moments, staring in stock silence through the tears cutting tracks down his cheeks, because Adelis is not a romantic person. He can't wax poetic, he can't speak sweet nothings with such genuine feeling, and he can't view himself as someone particularly worth such genuine affections.
But.
It doesn't sound bad. He doesn't hate it. While it does not toss his whole system upside down like Mishka's did, the result of years of suffocated and drowned longing finally resurfacing in a flurry, it still makes something twist inside of him. He has always liked Syrlya, despite his penchant for needling, but the thought of more than that settles more warm then he would have thought. ]
...Is that so.
no subject
...Perhaps it will. Perhaps it will not. [ After all, things can change- but this is the now, and while he prefers to think to the future, he'll make an exception for now. ] Doing nothing will result in nothing.
[ It's like trying to wring the last bit of water out of a towel- a clear struggle, twisting him up. Maybe he does shift a bit closer to Mishka, just to keep the man saner as he speaks, sucking in a deep breath he doesn't even need. ]
...Affection is...not my strong point. But. I do not think I would mind it. [ Pause. ] If you truly wanted to, that is.
[ He lets that hang in the air a moment, shifting his gaze back to the other two. So, they've laid it out, and it's come full circle. Somehow, the fact they managed to somewhat salvage this after a certain someone's degeneracy is impressive enough, and he tries to direct the attention away from him for the moment. ]
...It seems we've all been rather honest. So-
[ Whether it's the emotion making it worse or just the tears constricting his throat, but a hiccup escapes him, and he freezes.
And then he hastily wipes his face and gives a sharp cough to try and cover it up. He is going to poison her fucking pond before they leave, mark his words. Anyway!! Anyway!! ]
no subject
While the tone of his thoughts is as commonly teasing as his voice, there is a curious nuance his mind lends to his words: a small jealousy that laces itself through Syrlya's name, though Mishka had chosen to pivot to Syrlya himself. Perhaps there is something to be said about his defensive self-harm, which does not solely apply to Adelis.
It is fortunate, then, that Trahearne's flow of thoughts takes Mishka from here, down a far more flustering path. There is a clear part of him that had expected, maybe, that after all this— Trahearne would settle upon the idea that he had felt as he felt for Mishka, but he would choose not to pursue. It would make sense, with what Trahearne has thought so far, and his willingness to pursue only if Syrlya chose to pursue— upon which factor Syrlya still hesitated. So, Mishka had braced himself for this belated rejection, and it leaves him tender to Trahearne's saccharine sentiment, not all of it voiced.
You can't mean that, he manages, finally, drawing his hand to the back of his neck, and feeling how his neck warms with its slight flush. You've seen how I love.
If Trahearne is not careful, he really will drown; Mishka had worried this with Adelis, too. He just does not want to love something until it melts away like sugar in his mouth. )
no subject
Would that he could peel Adelis like a daisy. Would that he could fillet him with affection and charity, preserve his skeleton like fishbone and churn it into stock. Would that he could take this clear affection Adelis feels for Syrlya, and have it for himself; as if the love he had for Adelis were not already enough!
But he is jealous, he is greedy, he cannot help himself. He has held himself back for years and he is still finding steady ground.
The gentle touch of Adelis at his side pauses the railway of his thoughts, though, and he studies the lack of space between them as Adelis continues, stumbling toward a conclusion he does not want to articulate.
This would have all been easier if the Goddess hadn't brought him here, he supposes, with an almost clinical calm. If she had left him to his proper end, Trahearne and Syrlya would have welcomed Adelis without much fuss. Syrlya wants this; Adelis wants this, too, and he's making some rare overture toward it. (Had he wanted to be with Mishka this badly? Did Mishka just sweep him up into something before Adelis had a chance to catch his breath?)
Perhaps their father had been right to turn away from Mishka, and those like him, blights that they were.
But maybe he can be more than the disease Father Koshevek made him. Is that not what he's had to prove, to win this right to be with Adelis, shaped like he is, speaking with words like a human being? Hadn't he won the right to be human? )
... Adelis is come as near as he physically can to asking you out, you know. I won't look upon you fondly if you reject him now.
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Maybe he might drown, but maybe that's what he wants. Mishka's depths may consume him, but he would continue to dive into the dark, the turbulent waters, all to see what secrets lay at the bottom, to map out every bump and crevice in his geography. For one whose mind always seeks knowledge, how could this ever be a bad thing?
Trahearne would welcome it, even.
I am thankful the goddess brought you here, he muses. My life in Crescentview has been all the better with you in it. Having you around, spending time with you-- Flashes of memories, Trahearne's view of Mishka and all his various smiles and expressions from their time shared on the beach, on the cruise, on the lake, buried in cats, rush through his mind. As much as he had concentrated on keeping his feelings at bay in those moments, he still treasures them. What would he have been doing then, without him? It's hard to imagine he would have been anything but alone. --has been nothing but a net positive in my life. Perhaps you frame your desires in the context of Adelis, but please, don't forget about me.
Because he isn't sure how he'd take it if Mishka decided he was better off back into the depths of the void, after all the moments they shared, after the pit of emotion Mishka has so kindly poured into him.
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He sees the effect Adelis's words have on Syrlya, and a smile crosses his face. It's in this moment he realizes how similar he and Syrlya are--shaped by the same world, shaped by a shared destiny, similar lives--and that as much as he wishes to unburden Syrlya from the weight with which he has shouldered himself, he will never truly be able to accomplish that, because Trahearne, ultimately, is the same. He gave everything for Tyria. Syrlya would do--has done--as him.
Someone like Adelis--the complete opposite of Trahearne, a person from a different world, with different values--would be good for him. He sees it immediately in the way Syrlya opens up, lets his being pour from him and into the air around them. Trahearne might smother him, he thinks, but Adelis will allow him to bloom.
Adoration buzzes in Syrlya, and it feeds into Trahearne. Happiness and delight unfurls within him, and his own expression softens.
It's weird to think he has never felt this in love with Syrlya before, watching him profess affections for another.
After letting everyone's words settle in the air for a moment, when Trahearne is finished gazing affectionately at Syrlya, he speaks up. ]
If we are to act on this circle of affections, it will take a lot of work. [ As he's said before. ] We will all need to be honest and open with one another. None of us may be particularly experienced in this...department, but we never will be, if we continually deny ourselves the experience. Doing nothing will result in nothing. We will never know if we do not try. [ What Adelis has said to Syrlya now. What Trahearne has said to Syrlya when they first started dating. Trahearne's gaze drops in brief thought--things could get messy if it goes wrong, but he is determined to see that they are all happy. ]
Regardless of what we decide, I would prefer we remain on friendly terms until we get you settled in Tyria. [ He beams a little bit as he looks back and forth between the Ostoyans. ] And I would like it if we are to remain in contact afterwards, because if I'm honest, I do genuinely like the both of you.
[ He considers them friends, even if that's a one-sided sentiment with regards to Adelis.
Still, though, Trahearne (and the others) haven't heard anything from Mishka. What Mishka wants. He understands if Mishka does not want to try a romantic relationship with him, because he is just now understanding how deep the other man's affections for his partner run. Trahearne also understands if he himself is too weird, or off-putting, as he has often been regarded as at home. Syrlya is an anomaly in that sense.
Wordlessly, however, his eyes turn to Mishka, but then quickly look away. What if his answer isn't the same as his? ]
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It's on how the distance to Adelis had left a hole in his chest, an unfulfilled wistfulness. I don't want to lose you again.
Adelis shifts closer into Mishka and it... stings, although Syrlya swallows it down. There's never the response someone wants to confessing their feelings, even if he understands. He could never truly pull Adelis away from Mishka--nor does he want to. But there's still the pang of desire that wishes Adelis would lean towards him instead.
But... he knows Adelis' feelings are stronger than his words. He does not grasp the depth of them, exactly, but he knows at least his affections are welcome. It's tempting. Were he not already so practiced in tempering himself...
His gaze shifts to Mishka, and he purses his lips as he speaks. I doubt you'll look at me fondly either way.
So how does he respond? He looks back at Adelis, at his face flushed and trying to control the unruly crying. If they're going to leave on friendly terms then they had better establish those terms now. Adelis, he thinks, would never pursue him. The question is, then, can Mishka let him go long enough that Syrlya can draw him in instead.
He reaches for Adelis' wrist. It's a gentle grip, only firm enough to maintain it as he tries to pull Adelis forward--to his feet, to Syrlya, to a kiss. He doesn't know yet if it's going to be the first... or the last.
But he knows what he wants it to be.]
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Well. Not much worrying about it now, he supposes, when there are other things to focus on.
Mishka gets a side-glance at his input, Adelis finding himself giving an exasperated huff. He and Syrlya are of like mind on that front- would he truly, either way, the way that he is?
Unfortunately, they are both greedy creatures, and Adelis will not truly stand for him pursuing what he desires whilst denying him his own ( because he knows that Mishka always pursues what he wants, if given the opportunity. 'Tis how he has always been ). Even if some part of him harbors doubt, self-reviled as he is, unable to look in the mirror for too long and preferring to hide Koshevek's taint beneath his clothes.
Adelis is not expecting the grip, bleary blue eyes darting down to the other's slender fingers as they curve around his wrist with a gentle touch. He is not expecting the pull forward, that drags him from the couch to Syrlya instead. He is not expecting the press of lips against his own, soft as he remembers-
Oh.
Another fortunate thing, perhaps, that his face is already red. He is frozen for a brief moment, surprise in the widening of his eyes, but he relaxes soon enough. Admittedly, he is a bit...embarrassed, because he is still crying, but if this is what he wants-
Well. He can return it, then. And perhaps there is the barest, faintest tug, as he attempts to do what he did to Mishka on the beach- just enough to be unnoticeable, but sufficient to tell him how real the feelings are. ]
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He had smothered it until now, to kiss Adelis in an expression of love. Not just carnal desire. Not because of need. Adelis may be drawing his emotions in only faintly, and it may not be the suckerpunch that Mishka was--but his desire, his excitement, his love is this time unrestrained. It's a relief, to touch Adelis with his adoration freely.
He's slow to pull back, to open his eyes to look into Adelis' (red, puffy--) and it's a shame right now he really can't see Syrlya's expression in turn. Where a warm smile and blush graces his face. Absently, his thumb moves to try and wipe the tear tracks from Adelis' face.
... And then he also, slowly, remembers they're not alone. And there's something he probably should have addressed before he got lost in kissing Adelis. Embarrassed, he looks up at Trahearne and Mishka.]
I--of course, I would not deny you two the chance to be together if Adelis and I are.
[Just in case that was into question.]
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After a literal lifetime of living for others, it's time Syrlya starts living for himself.
The thought comforts Trahearne, and strangely, the lingering moment, one he has imagined so many times in his mind, does not sting as he thought it would. He eases into his chair and comes to rest his cheek on a gently balled fist. The affection in his expression widens into a fond smile, and his eyes remain fixed on Syrlya.
What emotion seeps from Syrlya he feels faintly, serving as a reminder of his errors. Trahearne was wrong to have ever ripped them apart. And he tells himself: he will never come between them again.
He is so lost in his thoughts, so busy rewiring his mind into absolute acceptance of the Syrlya-Adelis relationship that he almost jumps when attention is turned back on him. He lifts his head from its resting spot and stares wide-eyed in surprise. For a moment, he's enamored by the faint blush he sees on Syrlya's cheeks, before the words register in his mind. ]
--Oh.
[ Right. That was the original question, wasn't it? Trahearne's expression drops slightly, and he cautiously glances in Mishka's direction, still unsure if he wants to see the look in his eyes. He's made his own feelings clear, but he understands if the answer is no. ]