🌳 trahearne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pactmarshal) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
crescentview2023-03-02 09:14 pm
pactmarshal) wrote in crescentview2023-03-02 09:14 pm
🌲 winter catchall 🌲
❄️ WHO: Trahearne & u baby!
❄️ WHAT: closed starters for winter
❄️ WHEN: all throughout winter
❄️ WHERE: all over the island
❄️ WARNINGS: to be added in thread headers (definitely nsfw)
❄️ WHAT: closed starters for winter
❄️ WHEN: all throughout winter
❄️ WHERE: all over the island
❄️ WARNINGS: to be added in thread headers (definitely nsfw)
no subject
The talking definitely is not over, considering the present concern at hand is yet to be addressed, due to the tearful interruption. But if it is the goddess's doing, then it can't be all that genuine, and there's a good chance it'll pass before long. ]
I'm coming with you. [ Also. It would be weird if Trahearne stayed, and Syrlya didn't. He is conscious of that much.
As he turns to follow Syrlya out, he casts a glance back at Mishka. We are not finished here. Behave. ]
timeskip
Mishka is still in the living room, but has been banished to a different, solo chair. He looks like he'd rather be with Adelis on the couch, but he doesn't look apologetic that he shot his shot during the one time in his life this is going to happen.
He'll acknowledge the trees with a glance when they come back in, but he's looking largely at Adelis. Oh to compare Summer Mishka with Mishka now... )
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Adelis himself is still in the seat he was in, now free of a certain someone's lap, but with the way his arms and legs cross and glasses remain sitting on top of his head, he clearly wasn't charmed by the display just as the trees were. Mishka may be looking at him, but Adelis is not going to look back, even if all he'd see is a bunch of blurry colors. Somebody has been a bitch motherfucker, and he is not being rewarded for it.
He is also, unfortunately, still crying. Tears continue to stream down his face, but he's given up on trying to wipe them constantly. At least he looks a tad less miserable. Just salty. ]
...My apologies. [ He is trying so hard to make himself sound level, despite the way his crying fit wants to ruin that. He rubs at his forehead...so tired... ] I should have known he's incapable of bloody behaving himself.
[ A moment, before his watery gaze snaps to Trahearne...'s vague green form. ]
I suggest you stay far away from him. He deserves no attention from anyone or anything but a foot up his arse at the moment.
[ That out of the way, it slips to the other figure in the room, hesitating for a brief moment before he gives a shaky exhale and brushes at his leaky eyes some more. God, he still doesn't know how to do this ( nor know if he should?? but agreements are agreements ), but they're all here now, and there are apparently more elements at play then he originally thought. ]
And it seems I've...given you the wrong idea. I'd prefer to rectify that before we garner any more misunderstandings to add to the pile.
no subject
So he waits outside, by the door, joined by Trahearne. Aside from a brief... confirmation, that his feelings for Mishka are quite deep (on the romantic side, possibly deeper than Syrlya's are for Adelis') he stays quiet, arms folded and leaning against the wall as the awkwardness hangs over him. Let that cool down, but otherwise he's waiting to see if they're all done before he decides if he's talking about this just with Trahearne or as a group.
Evidently, they aren't, although he's a touch reluctant to go back in. But he does, because he intends to see this through.
He takes the same chair that he had sat in originally, across from the couch with his hands clasped over crossed legs. He is aware Adelis can't see shit right now, but he gives him his full attention anyway.
... Also because he can't stop staring at his crying face. Even if its a goddess curse, he looks so miserable... it makes Syrlya want to comfort him but he realizes that will only agitate Adelis further in this case.]
Okay. [Trahearne said as much too, though he doesn't know what Trahearne seemed to pick up on that he didn't.] I'm listening, of course.
no subject
Adelis would be casting Mishka side-eyes right now if he wasn't too busy ignoring him on purpose, but Syr sits and he gains Adelis' full attention in turn, straightening himself up somewhat. He's fully aware he looks like a total mess, but if the tears aren't going to stop, then he might as well just ignore them for now. The power of sheer petty determination.... ]
....I'll admit, this is not something I've been...acutely aware of. It's a recent development, mind you.
[ Extremely recent. Hell, he might not have noticed had Mishka not needled him about it, so he has nobody to blame for that but himself. It's fortunate he can't keep direct eye contact like this, because this is still very much a topic he doesn't particularly like discussing in front of people...regarding himself, anyway.
He shifts, tense. ]
Our friendship, [ He says that with the hesitation of a man not used to having friends, ] is not what I was speaking of. We have already discussed that and gotten it out of the way, and I'm not some over-emotional child. What I am trying to say is that whatever you are feeling-
[ God just fucking strike him down right now. There's a brief moment as Adelis seems to be thinking of the proper words for it, before exhaling sharply. ]
May not be entirely. Unrequited.
[ aaaaaaaaa ]
no subject
His mind works over them slowly.] Oh.
[It dawns on him, eventuality.] Oh!
[And then a blush colors his cheeks as he stares, shocked. That's actually even less expected than Trahearne's?] You mean you fancy me?
[Him? Really. But he is certain that line was one word in karaoke. And given they did not see each other again until he went to put distance between them... he didn't do anything to change it, did he? He can't quite find where Adelis found any interest in him.
For a moment he remembers what Mishka said back then--I think he could--and he's a little glad this only came up now because Mishka really might have given up of Adelis saw something in him at the time.
His gaze flickers to Mishka, briefly, then Trahearne before it settles on Adelis. He doesn't quite know how to respond.] I--I admit this is a surprise for me.
[Is he happy? Would it be wrong if he was? It is something they well have to pack up tightly, not pursue anyway, he certainly can't and won't ask to have Adelis.
... But it still puts a lightness in him, the idea that Adelis may return those feelings]
no subject
Since when?
( Violence— Possession— Jealousy— Uncertainty— Anxiety— Betrayal— Greed—
Because if Adelis has a choice between Mishka and Syrlya, why would he pick Mishka? )
no subject
To admit out loud how he feels about Mishka, something he would not even mentally acknowledge scarcely a week ago, is a bit...freeing. Despite how bad, how guilty he feels about tripping over himself and finding himself infatuated with someone he clearly should not be, not so close to the wedding, how he worries it may burden Syrlya, it feels good to get it off his chest. At this point, though, he is firm in his mind that he still has no intention of acting on these feelings.
Unless what he suspects Adelis's reveal might be to be true, then. Well.
A different idea rolls in his mind. It feels selfish, but...
So when they return to the house and take their seats, Trahearne casts a glance at Mishka in time-out. Though content he seems, the sylvari is still wary of what lurks beneath.
Quietly, he lets the conversation play out, listening as the shorter two speak with one another, and Adelis confirms his suspicions. Trahearne, surprisingly, despite the faint pang of unease in his chest, gives not much of a reaction. He only looks between the two, meeting Syrlya's gaze when he turns to look at him, but his expression is mostly unreadable.
Because--
Mishka stands, and so does Trahearne. Despite Adelis's warning, Trahearne immediately takes a step forward, threatening to put himself between Mishka and the other two. He hears all of that, echoes of which had danced around in their minds before exiting the house earlier, and he's ready.
He understands. He truly does. Which is why he feels partially responsible for this.
His eyes are sharp and settle on Mishka, asking--telling him to stay put. ]
Adelis.
[ It's his marshal voice again. Impartial, and commanding. Maybe he shouldn't be treating this like a Pact meeting, no, but among Adelis's outward display of tears, Syrlya's shock, and Mishka's caustic jealousy, someone has to keep things together.
And considering how the prospect, the anxiety, his own faint jealousy over this very situation has rolled around in the pit of his mind for so long that it smoothed like a riverbed stone, it scarcely bothered him anymore.
His eyes remain fixed on Mishka, unblinking, though he speaks to Adelis. ]
You'd best tell Mishka in no uncertain terms that he is the most important person to you, regardless.
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That being said, Adelis was anticipating it. He knows how Mishka is, knows his deep his obsession runs, having felt it first-hand, and so he isn't particularly surprised when Mishka abruptly gets to his feet. He can't see the ice of his features, but he can practically feel it.
What he isn't expecting, before he can open his mouth, is for Trahearne to insert himself between them, like he had been anticipating it, strangely enough. A frown pulls at the corner of his lips as his gaze narrows, certain things slotting themselves together as an off feeling settles in the back of his mind, but it's not the priority. No, not when the other man starts speaking, voice taciturn and commanding in the expanse of his living room.
Naturally, Adelis doesn't like that. Both of them will be able to feel that, a white hot flash of irritation as his arms tighten across his chest. What exactly do they both think this is? Who does Trahearne think he is, specifically, thinking he can order him around like he's one of his little soldiers? If he does not defer to Mishka, even when he was technically his superior and not his equal, he certainly won't do it for him.
And Mishka himself, looking at him with that face as if Adelis had not harbored feelings in his chest for years that had gotten shoved off during his little stupid fit of attempting to chase him off. Did he really think he'd up and agree to marry anyone who wasn't the first choice in his mind? His pride wouldn't allow it, and he knows that very well. He had not sat and complained when Mishka had flustered so out of character for him from Trahearne's confession, face a red he had never seen it before.
There is something sharp and barbed on the tip of his tongue, and he very nearly spits it out, but he chokes it down the uncomfortable tightness of his throat and purses his lips. Another sharp wipe at his face with the palm of his hand, and he directs his watery gaze towards their blurry forms more sharply. ]
That is something he already knows, or he should.
[ He's not impressed with you, tree-man. But he is equally not impressed with his fiancé, to whom his gaze flickers. ]
I would not sleep next to anyone who was not. I would sooner leave them for dead before I allowed them to see me vulnerable.
[ Even at the resort, he secluded himself in a corner, and the one time Syrlya had slept over after their drunken round of complaints, he had still slept on the couch- He has revealed things to the other man he has not to most, but he still trusts only Mishka to see him at his worst, when his guard is fully down. Their language is action, not words, as he is not so good with them emotionally than he is conversationally. ]
no subject
... it is a bit odd Trahearne picks up on it so quickly but maybe he is just remembering the same circumstance. He's looking between all of them, thoughts scrambling, and Adelis gets defensive in the face of the jealousy like--well, actually like expected.
Syrlya sucks in a sharp breath and stands.] Actually, I think all of us here could stand not to tear ourselves down so much that we are doubting whether our partners really love us. Especially as it seems not a single person here can control their own affections, none of us are in a positron to hold our Beloved at a standard we cannot meet.
[That gaze, he fixes on Mishka.] Since when is a question I could be asking too, so unless you have something to tell me about what it is you and Trahearne have been doing that he has fallen for you, I trust you to understand there was nothing intentional. And that it, similarly, is not a fancy that comes close to the bond Between the two of you. Adelis inspires you to be more than you thought you could be, and just as well you are the one who showed him how much more he could be. You found love in a place that would kill you for the vulnerability. Every action and every word you say affects the other down to their core. That is not so easily replicated or forgotten. I would know.
[Because he spent seven years torn apart by losing that kind of love.
Syrlya shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.] I'm not leaving Trahearne for Adelis, Adelis isn't leaving Mishka for me, Mishka isn't leaving Adelis for Trahearne, and Trahearne is not leaving me for Mishka. Ever. Can we establish that much before we get into this apparently even broader entanglement we've ended up in?!
no subject
It's not as if Syrlya is being unreasonable, but Mishka is, and unreasonable wants unreasonable. He would offer Trahearne's life on a platter for Adelis, but could Adelis offer Syrlya's? If he could not prove it with action, then he is forced to argue his case some other way.
Still, there is a gradual receding of the previous violence of his thoughts, suggesting that Adelis, in response to Trahearne's specific prompting, which holds up the framework of Adelis's more indirect speech, has done some right by Mishka.
He exhales, quiet. If Trahearne will let him, he will stride past him, to the couch, and take back his seat beside him, arms crossed. What he wants really is to hold him, but the way he wants to hold Adelis is much more vulnerable than sensual, and he isn't putting that on display for the other two. )
... Only Adelis gets me like this. I won't apologize for it.
( He isn't going to argue any point further. He seems to have understood the magnitude of what Adelis means, and he accepts it, for now. The buzzing fades into a quiet hum.
He had been very clear when confessing that regardless of his feelings, Adelis was whom he felt the most for. He does not think it unreasonable that he wanted the same stated in turn. This is only fair, and he, like all Ostoyans, takes that balance deathly seriously.
But since Syrlya reiterates that he has no clue what it is that triggered a shift in Trahearne's feelings, he glances at Trahearne, recalling what he said about how he felt when Mishka took care of him in Adelis's body. Is that what he likes? Weighty affection?
It's almost a question directed to Trahearne himself, since he knows he can hear him. )
So we care for one another in a circle. What then?
( Despite everything, this question is genuine. If they're going to accept Syrlya's argument as basis going forward... where are they going, exactly? )
no subject
Syrlya gets Trahearne's full attention as he begins to speak; something in him melts a little bit. Sorry, this is one of the reasons why he feel so deeply in love with him all those years ago. His gaze softens a bit, and his head tilts to the side as he listens. He speaks perfect sense. It's true. Trahearne himself feels a fool for ever doubting Syrlya's love for him, and he feels an even bigger fool for letting himself find affections for someone that is not him.
He visibly relaxes as he sees Adelis's words take effect. He can hear the quieting of the ominous buzz in Mishka's mind, and though he does not step back, he leans in a way that allows him to walk past.
For a second, his eyes rest on Mishka. He hears those questions directed towards him. Trahearne's expression falls for a second, guilt stronger than anything else he feels in that moment. It was the sudden culmination of everything that broke me, he thinks. Try as I might, I could not win, it seems.
When he sees things calm, judging that things are probably going to be okay and that Mishka is probably not going to kill Syrlya, Trahearne takes a couple of steps back and finds his spot in his chair again. He leans forward, elbows on his knees, and he folds his hands before his mouth.
What then, indeed? ]
... I don't know.
[ Maybe someone else has a better, more articulated answer, but he does not know what to do with all the facts laid out before them like this. And he speaks his mind, perhaps more to himself.
Again, the question rolls around in his mind--
Polyamory? ]
I suppose that hinges on whether we decide to act on it or not.
[ That sounds like the next logical step. ]
no subject
What then, indeed. What does he do with a reality that Adelis likes him back? Ignore it, push it down to preserve a precious friendship he doesn't want to lose again?
The brief happiness that occurred from the confession has already faded. Now he can't find joy in any of these revelations.
Trahearne's suggestion makes him tense.]
... I know when we talked about your feelings I said I would support whatever made you and Mishka happiest. [He purses his lips, lifting a weary gaze up at them. First to Trahearne, then to Mishka... and finally Adelis.]
But I don't think that is really what anyone here wants. I... cannot give you my blessing to actually form a romantic attachment to each other--though I am not angry and I do not ask that you two attempt to smother your feelings the way I did, since we have established breaking friendships will not work.
[But there's certainly no way Mishka would be able to stand the idea of Syrlya and Adelis in his mind, he's not sure Adelis could accept Trahearne, and there's really no way to keep things balanced if only two of them get everything they want.
Not that he considers Adelis would even want to romance him. It's a new revelation for him too. He's entirely focused on one side of each relationship having multiple others while the other has to worry about just keeping their friendship in tact. Love is just far too complicated.]
no subject
But now they're all sitting, this information also sitting pretty in their heads. God, what a mess. Not in a million years did he think there would be a full circle of fucking emotions here, but here they are, and he really has no idea how to proceed- and it seems really none of them do, as well.
Trahearne's words have his lips pursing, partly in bewilderment. It's- well, not what he would have thought of, ever, and certainly not something he'd ever broach himself if given the chance. But then again, he rarely thought himself capable of relationships in the first place, so that shouldn't be surprising. He wouldn't call himself the overly jealous sort, not like the man beside him, but he was guilty of insecurity for a few reasons.
That being cleared, however, he merely peers through an unfocused gaze at Syrlya as he proceeds to take back his words. So he's not particularly interested, huh.
Well. He should have expected that. For whatever feelings they may have, he wouldn't be the best of partners, anyway. ]
...Personally, you cannot speak for me. [ Perhaps this is surprising, but Adelis' wavering tone is more solid than before, leaning back in his chair as he closes his eyes. ] Regards of how I felt...before, due to my beliefs, I believe I've heard enough. I was never the possessive sort to begin with, and I would prefer things to not fester and rot as they have up till now. If it is a mutual affair, of course.
[ This is just his onion, of course...they're Ostoyans, and their views of relationships and all that sort tends to be fairly skewed. If Mishka were still coming home to him, and not up and confessing his undying love to someone else, then....well, it'd be better than the early days where he was shoved off while Mishka was pursing his supposed Crescentview harem. At this with this, he'd know where he was.
And Syrlya, well....he was not lying, when he said he did miss things. It just ended up being more then he thought. When his eyes open, he finally fixes his gaze on the other man, unblinkingly. Yes, he is being serious. ]
...But mine is just one opinion of many. If not everyone is of like mind and with no desire for it, then there is simply no point.
[ Another tentative rub to his wet face, which sure is still going. God. ]
no subject
... You seem so eager to condemn yourself, he answers, after a time, somewhere in his sea of thoughts. Like the rest of them, he has a lot to process and settle into. This is flattering, but it's also a lot of things, because he's uncertain about handling feelings. But your heart has never wavered from Syrlya. If the two of you consider your debt settled, your conflict before, you'd be better served to let it go.
Easier said than done, certainly, considering he and Adelis still nurses wounds from Fall. When is a debt considered settled? When is it considered done, squared away, even?
Only the two of them can decide that, and Mishka considers it in their best interests to make progress on the matter. So long as Trahearne remains guilty and Syrlya remains cautious about this whole affair about loving another, they will go in circles, infinitely, both ends of their scales in endless vacillation.
Is Syrlya more amenable to you in private? he could sense himself about to feel a bit of annoyance toward Syrlya, so he's going to channel it into a question that isn't so critical. He always seems to turn his shoulder to you.
He glances at Adelis, the sharp intrusion of his heel very difficult to miss, and the suggestion that he does owe an apology. He's just going to shift closer to Adelis, shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh, because he knows Adelis doesn't want him to be close. This is his heel-shove in return, but affectionate-aggressive.
Adelis's answer, though, surprises him, and he is quiet for a time as he mulls over his own feelings. Syrlya, frankly, has a strong point, and he agrees with the logic of it; however, he is not one to dismiss Adelis's surprisingly generous gesture, nor the suggestion that he feels secure in Mishka's affections for him. That improves his mood quite a bit.
Best to start at the simplest place, though— and that is not with feelings, it is with transaction. )
... If Adelis is in favor, I will be of equal mind. ( Since he's not going to kill Adelis, and all. Though the bug part of him did consider it, for a minute. It's obviously going to take work on his end, but he doesn't need to say that, does he? Everyone here has eyes. If they want to engage it, they're going to have to take him as he is. But, if only Adelis can do that, then... he does not want for more. ) And do not take this as a self-sacrificial gesture, for I have done it once before and I do not intend to make a habit of it going forward.
( Honestly, he's more surprised Trahearne is willing to suggest it after seeing him like this. Like, surely him being a weirdo is a bit of a turn-off, right? )
If Adelis's attachment to me dwarfs any other, then my foremost concern is addressed.
no subject
It can't be that simple? Syrlya hasn't felt that burning jealousy, only the result others, so how can all three of them so quickly turn around and say it's not a big deal, really?
He leans back in his chair, folding his arms, sinking back into it.]
That's... sudden, isn't it? [The flip from jealousy to acceptance? Especially Mishka, who reacted so intensely.] As Adelis said before, it would only work if both--if everyone involved is happy with the arrangement.
[Again, between Adelis, Mishka, although his attention still flickers to Trahearne as well whose reaction, as much as Syrlya tries to take his word and get over it, still stings.
But to Mishka, first:] Would you really not be hurt or bitter if I lay with Adelis again, knowing there is feeling to it?
[To Adelis:] And even if you did not want to make anything of it, what if Mishka lays with Trahearne?
[And to Trahearne, looking aside:] ... We have talked about this, and--I trust your word. If you will trust mine.
no subject
That Adelis, and Mishka agree that they would be fine acting on it, is just as much a surprise to Trahearne as it is to Syrlya.
Well, Mishka, mostly. But it seems, overall, Mishka is a simple man. At least when it comes to matters of Adelis.
Trahearne's brow furrows in thought. Is he okay with it? Is he ready for something like this? He looks at Mishka and understands there is no way his affections for him will ever outshine those he has for Syrlya--that, he is certain, and he is almost sure Syrlya understands this, too. And he is not hurt by the prospect of Mishka putting Adelis over him--he would be more upset if it were the other way around.
So what of Syrlya and Adelis, then? The explicit thought of them holding hands, kissing, sleeping together...surprisingly, earns himself no reaction. Perhaps it's due to how many times he's rolled those images around in his head. But hearing Syrlya affirm his love for Trahearne, his intent, the degree of affection he has for Adelis has, in a way, helped greatly. He knows their love for one another runs deep, as they have both felt first-hand, so as time passes and they settle in their relationship, he finds fewer and fewer reasons to doubt their bond.
Trahearne glances at Syrlya in turn. ] Of course. I trust you. Without question.
We may have talked before, but acting on this will mean constant talking. This conversation will never end. [ In a metaphorical sense. It's going to be a lot of work. He lifts his gaze a bit to direct his attention to the other two. ] This can only work if we speak openly with one another--not only with our romantic interests, but our opposites as well. [ His eyes settle on Adelis. He means u bb ] As Adelis said, we cannot let anything rot or fester, because what affects one of us will ultimately affect all of us.
[ He isn't aware that he hasn't brought up his own feelings on the matter.
His gaze darts to Mishka, that muffled annoyance, those direct questions getting his attention. Is Syrlya more amenable to him in private? Mishka is suddenly privy to a flood of all the naughty things they've been up to since they started dating--things they've said, noises Syrlya's made, lewd thoughts Trahearne has had about Syrlya because of it--before comes a simple answer: Yes.
Trahearne's eyes drop in thought before they lift again to look at Syrlya. His expression is neutral, and his tone is measured. What does Trahearne think of all of this, anyway? He doesn't seem to be letting any of that slip. At least, not verbally. ]
But like you said--it only works if we are all happy with the arrangement, and if I do not have your blessing, then that's that.
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[ At least, in this instance. Considering the other two didn't see it that well, it'd make sense they couldn't see the extent of Mishka's fucked up obsession- but he's seen it now, and felt it's intensity as well in a way they cannot, so with that confirmation he feels relatively content.
Content-ish, anyway. More than some people would. This is not the outcome he was expecting this meeting to have, but fuck, they're all here and stuck in a circle of emotions.
( And while he won't admit it or even mostly acknowledge it, truthfully, he doesn't really want to leave here on bad...or less than usual terms with Syrlya again. ) ]
...It's certainly not as if he hasn't made himself busy around this island already.
[ Slut-shaming my boyfriend...but really, it's not incorrect. He was less happy about it when they weren't together, and the words were harsher and far more dismissive, and he had no knowledge that Mishka felt any way for him that wasn't apathy or contempt. He doesn't look so much irritated as much as he does exasperated, shifting away from Mishka's retaliation at pressing himself closer. staybackslut.png
It's. It's probably not too convincing while he looks like this, but trust him. He's being honest. ]
There are far worse things he could be doing, and I'd rather it be with someone I'm aware of rather than not. [ A idle tug at his hair. ] If anything, I'd be more worried for others besides himself- he's insufferable, after all.
[ That's like, a warning, Trahearne. He's also not going to mention how really, that might spare him in some capacity, because a certain someone is an insatiable bastard. A flashback of all the time he gets casually felt up in a day...
Speaking of, he can (barely) catch that glance due to his blindness, but he merely squints back, fresh wave of salt sliding down his cheeks. Hm. ]
...I will admit that matters of the heart are not a topic I excel at dealing with nor speaking of compared to others. [ He's got allergies. ] But I suppose it is something I could not avoid if I tried, regardless. If honesty is required, then I will give it.
[ Bluntly and harshly. ]
no subject
Don't even ask how he rationalizes liking Trahearne (he doesn't want to examine it). Illicit sentiments aside, his feelings for him are uncomfortably saccharine. The idea that he's capable of sweetness of sentiment, toward Trahearne and Adelis, discomfits him.
Though, he supposes Trahearne sometimes reminds him in the vaguest ways of a thing he no longer has, and it's why he only finds his attempts to take command of the meeting professionally endearing, even if the manner is off— the demeanor is not in synchrony with his memory. It's the feeling that's similar, in some strange way.
But his thoughts digress.
He had expected this query coming, and he lets the others speak first, because he knows it will temper his feeling. He isn't exactly proud of leaping to his feet in a fury. But they speak, and he studies Adelis, and how he's moved away from him, for a long period before his gaze returns to the others, and then Syrlya. )
... If you want to know the face of my jealousy, it's that I don't like it when another so much as looks at him in the town.
( He brings up an arm over the back of the couch, resting it along the top, and resting his cheek against his knuckles. )
But Adelis would not be happy if I were to deprive him of people, or the sun, and so I don't indulge the worst of me.
( He tries to be on pretty good behavior, especially around Trahearne, but if they really want honesty, they really want to put him within vicinity of their vulnerability...
Well, this is what he is. They should know. Even if he argues this is because of his poison, his beast, it doesn't matter; he and his sickness are so tightly tangled there's no cleanly marking where the monster ends and Mishka begins. He was infected since childhood, and his thoughts since then have slowly changed.
Maybe there was never a Mishka, really. Maybe there was ever only this terrible thing, that has been trained to hold itself back. )
... So if you ask if I will be jealous, the answer is yes, but I am better for trying to be better than I am. If I did not try, or try for Adelis, then I would still be on a rampage in the woods, yes?
( ... He shifts closer to Adelis again. He'll corner u to the far arm of the couch if he must,
In any case, his conclusion is that he doesn't know, but he's open to trying. Adelis wants it, and he has to decide how he feels about that, beneath instinct of violence. )
But if you worry my displeasure will be explosive, I can give my word that I'll refrain. Should a time come that I decide I cannot stand it, I can simply raise my hand and say I would like to call the whole thing off, surely?
You are, after all, the one who suggested it better to pursue an endeavor, even if it seems there is a chance of failure, than to give up on the onset.
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And then there's Mishka, and that response is one that he expects the most. Of course it can't be that easy to get over such feelings, when all of them walked into these relationships expecting only two.
His expression twitches into a frown briefly as Mishka brings up his own words. This is different, obviously.] I think the consequences for trying and failing here are worse than not trying in other contexts. I don't want to hurt you either, either on the onset or by asking you to tear apart a relationship and take back the thing you became with Trahearne if I did agree with it.
[He bites his lip, looking at Trahearne.] When we spoke before, you had no interest in any further relationship with Mishka, but has that changed now? Do you want to be with him?
[If Trahearne really wants this... Syrlya finds it hard to want to deny him for his own sake. If Mishka makes Trahearne happy, if Trahearne wants to date him, who is he to deprive him of love?]
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Well, maybe that's his fault for starting it. But that's a pretty good indication of where they would stand in a theoretical relationship: when they have a channel of communication that the others do not even know exists, they would rather share indecent images of their own beloveds than speak about each other. And it's strangely. Comforting?
Mishka and Adelis remain firm in their decisions, Mishka explains himself. Trahearne's eyes dart briefly to Adelis, understanding his warning. Insufferable? Never. Not once has Mishka been insufferable with him. Not even the times he felt him toeing the line in his heart did he not want to hang around him. He would have hit the bricks otherwise, right?
But then Syrlya turns the question to him, reframing it in a way that makes it unavoidable for Trahearne to answer.
Does he?
Trahearne looks at Syrlya first. He never, ever wants to hurt or doubt him like that again. Much like Syrlya, he doesn't want to deprive him of love... He hates how hypocritical this whole thing is—how he is. He realizes Syrlya will be giving him an earful later, and he's already steeled himself for that.
So this hinges on him, then?
His eyes drift from Syrlya, to Adelis, to Mishka. And they settle there as he thinks about his answer, eyes boring into him hard. With a breath, he slowly lifts the containment on his feelings, and allows himself to freely feel what he does. He thinks of all the time they spent together, one on one, the conversations they've had, how he's felt when Mishka has danced over that line. How that serene smile masks murky depths beneath.
I want to kiss him, he thinks. I want to drown in his affection.
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... I do. [ He scrubs his hands over his face, as if trying to hide the guilt and disappointment he feels in himself for being like this. Mishka's words about his guilt echo in his mind, but he thinks that's something he'll just have to work on.
When he looks up again, there's a frown on his face as he turns to look to Syrlya. They are of the same mind—who is he to deny him love? ]
But only if you embrace your happiness with Adelis. Do not hold back because of thought of me.
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He is Not Looking as Mishka scoots closer again.
Syrlya's words have him ruminating, something he continues as Trahearne clearly seems to try and decide on his course of action. They need not ask what Mishka wants, for Adelis already knows- when Mishka desires something, he wants to take it, in a fit of expected greed. Adelis is, personally, not so different...merely far more tempered, despite his disposition. He is blunt with his wants, not with his feelings, as it is far easier to line your pockets with gold and steel than it is love and affection. Even faced with all this, he struggles to put his feeling flat to paper.
Hell, he had to have it suckerpunched out of him by Mishka's abrupt confession. Had he not handed it to him that way, who knows how well it would have gone otherwise.
He isn't expecting Trahearne to bring up him, gaze snapping to the older Sylvari for a moment before the words sink in. Right. Part of him feels Syrlya has no interest whatsoever, judging by his reactions, but the other part of him is rather tired from listening to this for so long. A moment passes, and Adelis opts to interrupt. ]
That is another thing entirely.
[ He certainly has to do his best to look serious while he looks like this, but he leans forward, chin resting on his hand as he stares as the Syrlya-shaped blur across from him. Just because he can't see him clearly doesn't mean the intensity is diminished any. ]
You have sat here asking for our opinions, and ours only, whilst neglecting yourself. That is not how this will work, if it does at all. [ His gaze narrows somewhat. ] You dislike considering you and your own desires over that of everyone else. This is clearly an involved conversation, and thus that means yourself as well, regardless of how you'd prefer to defer to what others think.
[ He sharply swipes a thumb under a watery eye. ]
What do you want, Syrlya. Want, explicitly. [ He is not Mcfucking around. ] I suggest you be honest and clear, because if you aren't, I'll drag it out of you by force to balance the scales this conversation has tipped. You should know by now that I am very serious about that.
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I won't break my bond with Adelis for your sake again. [He reassures, a brief tug of a smile. That much is easy for him to promise.
It slips, though, as Adlis speaks and Syrlya turns his attention to him and every word sinks right in. There's a moment he's torn, between the flattery of being seen at his core and that this is a situation he would have preferred to resolve everyone else's more volatile feelings first. He has, after all, had the longest time to come to terms with his.
What he wants is a question he does not often ask himself. There is what he can and cannot have, and a plethora of things that are so far out of the bounds of his life that they don't even merit consideration. So what does he want?
He purses his lips into a thin line, his thoughts strangely silent. Because he knows, actually, and has simply held down giving it any air.
His shoulders sink, heavy.] For most of my life, Trahearne is the only one I have ever felt for in such a way. Even after his death, though I have known the love of many friends--of my family, there had not been anyone that could actually put a yearning in me. Not until you.
[Adelis wasn't just important, as many people were. Adelis was special, a presence that stands unique in Syrlya's eyes. Ultimately different from Trahearne, but sharing the same ability to draw Syrlya towards him physically, emotionally, in a way others have not.
He slides his arms free of each other, pushing up from his chair to approach Adelis. Just to be a foot away, kneeling just enough that he can be level with Adelis. His tears are probably not helping his vision especially at this distance, but in lieu of his ability to see Syrlya brings the weight of his voice and presence closer for clarity instead. As he looks at Adelis with equal intensity. The adoration he feels swells, but he doesn't falter under it.]
If I am to stop holding back, it is certain that I will fall deeply in love with you.
[... His gaze drops, down and to the side. Softer.] I had not considered that a path that would lead to anything but heartache. For many reasons. But I want to be able to love you more.
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He's never liked it, truthfully. It is one thing to put others first, and another to sabotage yourself frequently to do so.
Perhaps it's an indication of how much Adelis grew comfortable with his presence, that he didn't see fit to bring it up till now, respecting his autonomy to an extent to be himself. Now, however, being himself is just hurting himself, and he finds that pangs irritation deep in his chest. Perhaps it's the ravings of a greedy, self-serving bastard, but no good comes from running yourself ragged and shedding pieces of yourself 'till there is little left.
The admittance is...not necessarily surprising, but hearing it still makes him blink all the same. 'Yearn' is not a phrase he'd oft associate with how people would feel towards him. Lust is one he's heard before, despise is another, but yearn...it's such a soft, unassuming word.
He isn't expecting Syrlya to get up, nor does he expect him to get so close- he's even blurrier now, just a mass of fuzzy, blurry lines and color, but it does little to retract from the impact of his words. Some part of him feels grateful his face is already red, because he's certain the faint burn of his flush would be visible otherwise.
That's- hm. He did want honesty, yes, and it's good that he's getting it out, he just wasn't...expecting the passion behind it. Love is a word both he and Mishka still struggle with, their affections in action and Mishka's teasing, although it's not like he hasn't heard it. He's rigid for a few moments, staring in stock silence through the tears cutting tracks down his cheeks, because Adelis is not a romantic person. He can't wax poetic, he can't speak sweet nothings with such genuine feeling, and he can't view himself as someone particularly worth such genuine affections.
But.
It doesn't sound bad. He doesn't hate it. While it does not toss his whole system upside down like Mishka's did, the result of years of suffocated and drowned longing finally resurfacing in a flurry, it still makes something twist inside of him. He has always liked Syrlya, despite his penchant for needling, but the thought of more than that settles more warm then he would have thought. ]
...Is that so.
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