🌳 trahearne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
pactmarshal) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
crescentview2023-03-02 09:14 pm
pactmarshal) wrote in crescentview2023-03-02 09:14 pm
🌲 winter catchall 🌲
❄️ WHO: Trahearne & u baby!
❄️ WHAT: closed starters for winter
❄️ WHEN: all throughout winter
❄️ WHERE: all over the island
❄️ WARNINGS: to be added in thread headers (definitely nsfw)
❄️ WHAT: closed starters for winter
❄️ WHEN: all throughout winter
❄️ WHERE: all over the island
❄️ WARNINGS: to be added in thread headers (definitely nsfw)
no subject
The tentative web he had so carefully woven to keep everything in place shattered during the unexpected event that was the bodyswap--and he could not handle it.
They are in agreement, though--Syrlya, Mishka, Trahearne all understand they have a first in their hearts, in addition to a second. Despite the worry and anxiety and guilt that tugs at the fiber of his being, this one fact keeps him together. Despite how the bewilderment from the other two threaten to pull it all apart. He can't help but feel like, all he's done is make mistakes. Do things wrong. With the way he is, what he does--does he make anyone here happy? Or is he just a constant well of disappointment?
Those thoughts get nowhere, because Mishka abruptly redirects the conversation to Adelis, and so Trahearne clams himself shut and turns his attention appropriately.
...
Oh...?
It's Trahearne's turn for his brows to raise slightly in surprise. It's a boon, he thinks, that he can hear all the complementary thoughts within Adelis's head, because his words are vague enough. Is Syrlya catching onto this? Does the younger sylvari realize his crush might not, in fact, be one-sided?
He's content to sit back and let the concerned parties sort this out, except the tears that begin to stream down Adelis's cheeks quickly snap him out of his passive stupor. Away go all of his feelings, all of his doubt, back into a new, much sturdier box. His work façade comes back as he leaps into action. ]
Mishka. [ His tone, he scolds. This was clearly too much. It was too abrupt. They should have let one thing have breathing room before addressing Adelis's, perhaps, unrecognized feelings.
All of this, maybe, was too much.
His head whips to the side and he quickly snatches up the glass of water, untouched, from the side table, and strides over to Adelis. He crouches before him and extends the glass of water--regardless of whether the smaller man wants it or not, he's not letting go until he takes it. ]
We can take a break if you need a moment.
[ Because, honestly. There have been quite a number of revelations in the past...well. It hasn't been very long. Maybe a quick break could be beneficial to all of them.
Trahearne lifts his gaze to Mishka, mindful, but also pointed. The sylvari recognizes it is not his job to be comforting Adelis. It's Mishka's.
And--well. Not like he knows Adelis very well, either. Trahearne glances over his shoulder back at Syrlya. Are you out of your shocked stupor, yet? ]
Syrlya.
[ Come help, since this is directly related to you. ]
no subject
...
More than just his presence...? Well they did a lot more than sitting in the same room in silence. What does he mean? The relationship? The touch? The--oh.
Oh.
All those thoughts are evicted from Syrlya's mind when Adelis starts crying. And then the only thing Syrlya is concerned about it that--he has never seen Adelis this upset. Enough to weep, and the only thing he's concerned about is soothing him.
He gets up from his seat immediately, looking straight at Mishka with expectation. This is his Beloved, so he should be comforting him first? Tell him it's all right? Something?
He doesn't look at Trahearne until his name is called, though he's peripherally aware of what he's doing. And then he looks back at Adelis, brow knit and expression caught between worry and confusion.] Adelis, I--
[He doesn't come any closer, yet, because Adelis is already pretty crowded.]
no subject
He understands Adelis, nor anyone, can match the precise depth of his feelings for him, but he cannot be content with Adelis finding someone else first in his heart.
But Adelis does what Mishka could not have predicted he would do (Does he love Syrlya that much? his jealousy argues, he has never cried for me), and Trahearne and Syrlya do not let Mishka's feelings roil in silence. The scolding snaps him from his miserable thoughts, and there is the two of them expecting him to comfort Adelis, who cries for someone else, whom Adelis has been entangled with before Mishka ever arrived.
He purses his lips and furrows his brow, trying to dismiss the violent lunge of his muscle. He's never been much for comforting, and Adelis never one to need it. But he guesses he has begun to learn this language slightly, in the way Adelis seems to ease when Mishka takes his hand between their seats, or holds him in their bed.
Maybe there are smaller, better expressions of comfort, but he doesn't know them. What he does is he pulls Adelis sideways into his lap, and he wraps his arms around him, and he holds his head against his neck and shoulder, so he can hide his face, because Mishka imagines his pride would prefer it. The sideways positioning, though, and lack of force in his touch, allows Adelis to shift his position as he prefers.
Adelis isn't delicate, but he feels like it sometimes when you know you're a beast with your broad, sharp claws— both his hands, and his speech. He exhales soft. )
... I'm sorry, we don't have to speak of it now. ( Rare apology... ) I didn't think it would upset you so much.
( He's certainly picked up on all the thoughts of everyone around them, but he's not remarking on them at the moment. Adelis first. )
no subject
Unfortunately, this is a moment where both are currently colliding and unceremoniously exploding.
No matter how much he furiously rubs at his face, the tears just won't stop- they smear on his glasses and soak the edges of his sleeves. If the crying was not bad enough, the fact it's happening in front of everyone else is driving the nail in his coffin. He hates people seeing him vulnerable, only handing it out in minute quantities to those closest to him, but he wouldn't want even Mishka to see him weep. Hell, he didn't even know if he was still capable of doing so until now???
Unfortunately for everyone else, their concern is not seen in a very positive light. Adelis refuses to look directly at any of them, still attempting to brush the tears away, teeth gritting with the taste of salt on his tongue. ]
This is not- I'm not doing it on bloody purpose-!
[ He hates how choked up he sounds, with his throat feeling so unnaturally tight. Just because he doesn't need to breathe doesn't make it any easier, and his whole body tenses up the moment he abruptly finds himself pulled into Mishka's lap, being coddled like some kind of weeping child. Oh, god. This is- awful. This is terrible. He wants to evaporate into the fucking mist.
If Adelis was red before, now it's crawled all the way down his neck, face a furious beet red that you can't really be sure if it's from the blotchiness or the humiliation. He's frozen, apologies churning in his head, before he quickly attempts to push himself away with a splutter. Sorry, Mishka. ]
A-As if I've ever get so fucking emotional! Knock it off! Do you have any idea how embarrassing this is-
[ Unfortunately, he doesn't sound very convincing when he's so choked up while looking like a panicked child lost in the store. He, most definitely, would never cry over something like this. Sure, he's still reeling from the possibility that he may actually find himself feeling stronger for Syrlya then he originally thought, but it's not utterly distressing enough to warrant THIS??
This grip isn't tight, so maybe he can just. Up and bolt. Or perhaps if he aims out the window correctly, he can teleport out of here. Maybe he'll have to kill all of them just to stop this from getting any more mortifying. Either way, he's debating his escape routes with all the finesse of a man desperate to go slam his head into a wall and knock himself out. ]
no subject
The guilt comes down hard. He was such a fool, treating their friendship like it was only important to him. Downplaying to himself the harm that would come from breaking promises because he wanted to believe it was the best way. As if their relationship had not been mutual.]
Adelis, I--I am so sorry. [He bows his head with remorse as he finally finds his words.] My intentions do not absolve the harm I have caused but I swear on my life I will never be so careless with our friendship or your feelings again.
[Because it's definitely about the friendship? Of course he would miss the things they did as friends. When he looks back at them, he just can't see it romantically--he had carefully boxed his feelings up to keep them from growing, and he had seen clearly the lack of reciprocation in that particular fancy. But it was never the most important part of them anyway. He treasured Adelis simply for being himself.
And he had really done horribly by him. Guilt is a familiar weight around his neck but it hangs heavy all the same when faced with fresh hurt.]
no subject
Mishka's seething jealousy hits him first—the pure intensity of it causing his head to whip in his direction despite himself. No way—no way Adelis would put Syrlya first over Mishka. Trahearne refuses to entertain the possibility. He doubts Syrlya would let that happen either—he even said as much. And Syrlya is, if anything, a sylvari of his word.
Adelis's bewilderment comes next, and while Trahearne is a little disappointed he doesn't take the water, it isn't a big deal. He watches as Mishka pulls him in to comfort him, and Trahearne watches and listens. This—this doesn't sound intentional. The gears in his head turn as he tries to pick apart the younger man's speech and thoughts, but—
Then comes Syrlya's guilt. Trahearne's head snaps to look up at him, and all his focus settles on him for a second. He doesn't have the luxury of hearing, so all he can do is comfort without sharing Adelis's private thoughts without his permission.
Trahearne lays a hand on Mishka's knee, just to get his attention. And when he has it, he gives him a pointed look, as though asking him to mind Adelis in the meanwhile, and says quietly: ]
I will speak with you later.
[ Trahearne leaves it at that. He stands, glass of water in hand, and turns to Syrlya. The harsh facade dissolves in the face of his distress. He sympathizes, but does not panic. Once he sets the glass down on a nearby surface, he places both hands to Syrlya's shoulders to both calm him and get his attention. ]
Syrlya. [ His hands gently squeeze him. This guilt is familiar, and painful. Whatever weighs on Syrlya, he tries to ease through his own demeanor, tone. ] Look at me.
[ If he does, Trahearne rests his eyes on his. ] It is all right. It isn't what you think. I understand your guilt, but it is not necessary.
[ But the rest of it, that's not for him to say. ]
no subject
Like Trahearne, Mishka is privy to the flurry of thought, but this time he finds a strange feedback in Trahearne's thoughts— responding to the things he himself hears. He doesn't like that. He's piecing together Adelis's predicament with one hand and trying to stay his kneejerk reaction of violence with the other— because, like Adelis, he does not like it when people peer into him and see him, he does not like them having access to him when he is vulnerable.
Trahearne has, before, but not like this. The suddenness of this startles him, when he's all mixed up and perplexed over Trahearne loving him. Certainly, Trahearne can love Syrlya for all his flaws, but Mishka is no Syrlya. If they were to list out the traits between them that are good or ill, Mishka's scales would most certainly imbalance toward sickness.
When Trahearne gets his attention, he narrows his eyes. He will lean in, letting his grasp slip from Adelis to press his lips uncomfortably close to Trahearne's ear, his voice low, for him and him alone— )
And I will ask then how long you have been listening.
NOT REALLY A PART OF THE THREAD JUST A REACTION
So he's been found out.
Fine. But it seems there are two guilty parties here.
When Mishka pulls back, there's a familiar flush on Trahearne's cheeks, one Mishka, similarly, has been privy to countless times before. But the expression that complements it, this time, is firm, defiant. He doesn't have much to be afraid of anymore, at this point. But he says nothing, reacts no other way, before turning to tend to his own beloved--and by then, the flush is gone.
And was that a pang of arousal, muted beneath the calm he exudes? Luckily, the guilt of the only one who would be able to feel that is much too loud for that to seep through...hopefully. That pavlovian horny response is still alive and well, babyyy. ]
no subject
In any case, just as Trahearne turns his attention to Syrlya, Mishka turns his attention to Adelis. If there is anything good about this debacle, it's that he doesn't think Syrlya will be divorcing himself from Adelis any time soon... but, if Adelis returns Syrlya's feelings, is that a good thing, in fact?
Fortunately, Adelis is distracting.
I've written way too much already but suffice to say Mishka kept Adelis against him partially because he didn't want to share how he looks while in tears with anyone else, because the look of him crying, angry, distressed, and humiliated, is, an experience for Mishka that errs beyond the limits of PG-13. It's the first time he's seen it, and he wishes it had been only his to have.
Trahearne and Syrlya distracted, he cups Adelis's flushed, furious, bleary-eyed face in his hands, and he treasures it for the short moment this will last. )
... Did the Goddess do this to you?
( Considering the Goddess gave him sudden telepathy, and considering Adelis seems more confused than anything by his tears, Mishka is willing to wager there's a chance this is more than just Adelis being tsundere— it's entirely unnatural.
His fingers slip from his cheek to tip up his poor, fogged-up glasses, so he can lean in, and drag his tongue along the wet corner of his reddish eyes, swallowing the terrible, salty taste of his tears. )
It suits you.
( And while he has Adelis's glasses and Adelis's guard disoriented, he's snatching his wrists in his hands and quite purposefully twisting them— nothing painful, just a No Teleporting Please :) grip. )
no subject
[This seems like a pretty clear point A to point B, but Mishka speaks up before he asks--ah, that's right. He had been hit by something similar to the goddess, hadn't he? But what kind of timing, to make it real enough...
Anyway, Mishka's voice brings his attention to them just in time to see... oh. He's pretty sure he's not supposed to be privy to that? A flush of embarrassment blooms in him, because he realizes he's now witnessing something private. And it's awkward? He came here to talk but... it seems the talking is over.]
... Well if we're taking a break I'm going outside. [And he turns to scurry towards the door before he sees something else not meant for his eyes.]
no subject
The talking definitely is not over, considering the present concern at hand is yet to be addressed, due to the tearful interruption. But if it is the goddess's doing, then it can't be all that genuine, and there's a good chance it'll pass before long. ]
I'm coming with you. [ Also. It would be weird if Trahearne stayed, and Syrlya didn't. He is conscious of that much.
As he turns to follow Syrlya out, he casts a glance back at Mishka. We are not finished here. Behave. ]
timeskip
Mishka is still in the living room, but has been banished to a different, solo chair. He looks like he'd rather be with Adelis on the couch, but he doesn't look apologetic that he shot his shot during the one time in his life this is going to happen.
He'll acknowledge the trees with a glance when they come back in, but he's looking largely at Adelis. Oh to compare Summer Mishka with Mishka now... )
no subject
Adelis himself is still in the seat he was in, now free of a certain someone's lap, but with the way his arms and legs cross and glasses remain sitting on top of his head, he clearly wasn't charmed by the display just as the trees were. Mishka may be looking at him, but Adelis is not going to look back, even if all he'd see is a bunch of blurry colors. Somebody has been a bitch motherfucker, and he is not being rewarded for it.
He is also, unfortunately, still crying. Tears continue to stream down his face, but he's given up on trying to wipe them constantly. At least he looks a tad less miserable. Just salty. ]
...My apologies. [ He is trying so hard to make himself sound level, despite the way his crying fit wants to ruin that. He rubs at his forehead...so tired... ] I should have known he's incapable of bloody behaving himself.
[ A moment, before his watery gaze snaps to Trahearne...'s vague green form. ]
I suggest you stay far away from him. He deserves no attention from anyone or anything but a foot up his arse at the moment.
[ That out of the way, it slips to the other figure in the room, hesitating for a brief moment before he gives a shaky exhale and brushes at his leaky eyes some more. God, he still doesn't know how to do this ( nor know if he should?? but agreements are agreements ), but they're all here now, and there are apparently more elements at play then he originally thought. ]
And it seems I've...given you the wrong idea. I'd prefer to rectify that before we garner any more misunderstandings to add to the pile.
no subject
So he waits outside, by the door, joined by Trahearne. Aside from a brief... confirmation, that his feelings for Mishka are quite deep (on the romantic side, possibly deeper than Syrlya's are for Adelis') he stays quiet, arms folded and leaning against the wall as the awkwardness hangs over him. Let that cool down, but otherwise he's waiting to see if they're all done before he decides if he's talking about this just with Trahearne or as a group.
Evidently, they aren't, although he's a touch reluctant to go back in. But he does, because he intends to see this through.
He takes the same chair that he had sat in originally, across from the couch with his hands clasped over crossed legs. He is aware Adelis can't see shit right now, but he gives him his full attention anyway.
... Also because he can't stop staring at his crying face. Even if its a goddess curse, he looks so miserable... it makes Syrlya want to comfort him but he realizes that will only agitate Adelis further in this case.]
Okay. [Trahearne said as much too, though he doesn't know what Trahearne seemed to pick up on that he didn't.] I'm listening, of course.
no subject
Adelis would be casting Mishka side-eyes right now if he wasn't too busy ignoring him on purpose, but Syr sits and he gains Adelis' full attention in turn, straightening himself up somewhat. He's fully aware he looks like a total mess, but if the tears aren't going to stop, then he might as well just ignore them for now. The power of sheer petty determination.... ]
....I'll admit, this is not something I've been...acutely aware of. It's a recent development, mind you.
[ Extremely recent. Hell, he might not have noticed had Mishka not needled him about it, so he has nobody to blame for that but himself. It's fortunate he can't keep direct eye contact like this, because this is still very much a topic he doesn't particularly like discussing in front of people...regarding himself, anyway.
He shifts, tense. ]
Our friendship, [ He says that with the hesitation of a man not used to having friends, ] is not what I was speaking of. We have already discussed that and gotten it out of the way, and I'm not some over-emotional child. What I am trying to say is that whatever you are feeling-
[ God just fucking strike him down right now. There's a brief moment as Adelis seems to be thinking of the proper words for it, before exhaling sharply. ]
May not be entirely. Unrequited.
[ aaaaaaaaa ]
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His mind works over them slowly.] Oh.
[It dawns on him, eventuality.] Oh!
[And then a blush colors his cheeks as he stares, shocked. That's actually even less expected than Trahearne's?] You mean you fancy me?
[Him? Really. But he is certain that line was one word in karaoke. And given they did not see each other again until he went to put distance between them... he didn't do anything to change it, did he? He can't quite find where Adelis found any interest in him.
For a moment he remembers what Mishka said back then--I think he could--and he's a little glad this only came up now because Mishka really might have given up of Adelis saw something in him at the time.
His gaze flickers to Mishka, briefly, then Trahearne before it settles on Adelis. He doesn't quite know how to respond.] I--I admit this is a surprise for me.
[Is he happy? Would it be wrong if he was? It is something they well have to pack up tightly, not pursue anyway, he certainly can't and won't ask to have Adelis.
... But it still puts a lightness in him, the idea that Adelis may return those feelings]
no subject
Since when?
( Violence— Possession— Jealousy— Uncertainty— Anxiety— Betrayal— Greed—
Because if Adelis has a choice between Mishka and Syrlya, why would he pick Mishka? )
no subject
To admit out loud how he feels about Mishka, something he would not even mentally acknowledge scarcely a week ago, is a bit...freeing. Despite how bad, how guilty he feels about tripping over himself and finding himself infatuated with someone he clearly should not be, not so close to the wedding, how he worries it may burden Syrlya, it feels good to get it off his chest. At this point, though, he is firm in his mind that he still has no intention of acting on these feelings.
Unless what he suspects Adelis's reveal might be to be true, then. Well.
A different idea rolls in his mind. It feels selfish, but...
So when they return to the house and take their seats, Trahearne casts a glance at Mishka in time-out. Though content he seems, the sylvari is still wary of what lurks beneath.
Quietly, he lets the conversation play out, listening as the shorter two speak with one another, and Adelis confirms his suspicions. Trahearne, surprisingly, despite the faint pang of unease in his chest, gives not much of a reaction. He only looks between the two, meeting Syrlya's gaze when he turns to look at him, but his expression is mostly unreadable.
Because--
Mishka stands, and so does Trahearne. Despite Adelis's warning, Trahearne immediately takes a step forward, threatening to put himself between Mishka and the other two. He hears all of that, echoes of which had danced around in their minds before exiting the house earlier, and he's ready.
He understands. He truly does. Which is why he feels partially responsible for this.
His eyes are sharp and settle on Mishka, asking--telling him to stay put. ]
Adelis.
[ It's his marshal voice again. Impartial, and commanding. Maybe he shouldn't be treating this like a Pact meeting, no, but among Adelis's outward display of tears, Syrlya's shock, and Mishka's caustic jealousy, someone has to keep things together.
And considering how the prospect, the anxiety, his own faint jealousy over this very situation has rolled around in the pit of his mind for so long that it smoothed like a riverbed stone, it scarcely bothered him anymore.
His eyes remain fixed on Mishka, unblinking, though he speaks to Adelis. ]
You'd best tell Mishka in no uncertain terms that he is the most important person to you, regardless.
no subject
That being said, Adelis was anticipating it. He knows how Mishka is, knows his deep his obsession runs, having felt it first-hand, and so he isn't particularly surprised when Mishka abruptly gets to his feet. He can't see the ice of his features, but he can practically feel it.
What he isn't expecting, before he can open his mouth, is for Trahearne to insert himself between them, like he had been anticipating it, strangely enough. A frown pulls at the corner of his lips as his gaze narrows, certain things slotting themselves together as an off feeling settles in the back of his mind, but it's not the priority. No, not when the other man starts speaking, voice taciturn and commanding in the expanse of his living room.
Naturally, Adelis doesn't like that. Both of them will be able to feel that, a white hot flash of irritation as his arms tighten across his chest. What exactly do they both think this is? Who does Trahearne think he is, specifically, thinking he can order him around like he's one of his little soldiers? If he does not defer to Mishka, even when he was technically his superior and not his equal, he certainly won't do it for him.
And Mishka himself, looking at him with that face as if Adelis had not harbored feelings in his chest for years that had gotten shoved off during his little stupid fit of attempting to chase him off. Did he really think he'd up and agree to marry anyone who wasn't the first choice in his mind? His pride wouldn't allow it, and he knows that very well. He had not sat and complained when Mishka had flustered so out of character for him from Trahearne's confession, face a red he had never seen it before.
There is something sharp and barbed on the tip of his tongue, and he very nearly spits it out, but he chokes it down the uncomfortable tightness of his throat and purses his lips. Another sharp wipe at his face with the palm of his hand, and he directs his watery gaze towards their blurry forms more sharply. ]
That is something he already knows, or he should.
[ He's not impressed with you, tree-man. But he is equally not impressed with his fiancé, to whom his gaze flickers. ]
I would not sleep next to anyone who was not. I would sooner leave them for dead before I allowed them to see me vulnerable.
[ Even at the resort, he secluded himself in a corner, and the one time Syrlya had slept over after their drunken round of complaints, he had still slept on the couch- He has revealed things to the other man he has not to most, but he still trusts only Mishka to see him at his worst, when his guard is fully down. Their language is action, not words, as he is not so good with them emotionally than he is conversationally. ]
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... it is a bit odd Trahearne picks up on it so quickly but maybe he is just remembering the same circumstance. He's looking between all of them, thoughts scrambling, and Adelis gets defensive in the face of the jealousy like--well, actually like expected.
Syrlya sucks in a sharp breath and stands.] Actually, I think all of us here could stand not to tear ourselves down so much that we are doubting whether our partners really love us. Especially as it seems not a single person here can control their own affections, none of us are in a positron to hold our Beloved at a standard we cannot meet.
[That gaze, he fixes on Mishka.] Since when is a question I could be asking too, so unless you have something to tell me about what it is you and Trahearne have been doing that he has fallen for you, I trust you to understand there was nothing intentional. And that it, similarly, is not a fancy that comes close to the bond Between the two of you. Adelis inspires you to be more than you thought you could be, and just as well you are the one who showed him how much more he could be. You found love in a place that would kill you for the vulnerability. Every action and every word you say affects the other down to their core. That is not so easily replicated or forgotten. I would know.
[Because he spent seven years torn apart by losing that kind of love.
Syrlya shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.] I'm not leaving Trahearne for Adelis, Adelis isn't leaving Mishka for me, Mishka isn't leaving Adelis for Trahearne, and Trahearne is not leaving me for Mishka. Ever. Can we establish that much before we get into this apparently even broader entanglement we've ended up in?!
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It's not as if Syrlya is being unreasonable, but Mishka is, and unreasonable wants unreasonable. He would offer Trahearne's life on a platter for Adelis, but could Adelis offer Syrlya's? If he could not prove it with action, then he is forced to argue his case some other way.
Still, there is a gradual receding of the previous violence of his thoughts, suggesting that Adelis, in response to Trahearne's specific prompting, which holds up the framework of Adelis's more indirect speech, has done some right by Mishka.
He exhales, quiet. If Trahearne will let him, he will stride past him, to the couch, and take back his seat beside him, arms crossed. What he wants really is to hold him, but the way he wants to hold Adelis is much more vulnerable than sensual, and he isn't putting that on display for the other two. )
... Only Adelis gets me like this. I won't apologize for it.
( He isn't going to argue any point further. He seems to have understood the magnitude of what Adelis means, and he accepts it, for now. The buzzing fades into a quiet hum.
He had been very clear when confessing that regardless of his feelings, Adelis was whom he felt the most for. He does not think it unreasonable that he wanted the same stated in turn. This is only fair, and he, like all Ostoyans, takes that balance deathly seriously.
But since Syrlya reiterates that he has no clue what it is that triggered a shift in Trahearne's feelings, he glances at Trahearne, recalling what he said about how he felt when Mishka took care of him in Adelis's body. Is that what he likes? Weighty affection?
It's almost a question directed to Trahearne himself, since he knows he can hear him. )
So we care for one another in a circle. What then?
( Despite everything, this question is genuine. If they're going to accept Syrlya's argument as basis going forward... where are they going, exactly? )
no subject
Syrlya gets Trahearne's full attention as he begins to speak; something in him melts a little bit. Sorry, this is one of the reasons why he feel so deeply in love with him all those years ago. His gaze softens a bit, and his head tilts to the side as he listens. He speaks perfect sense. It's true. Trahearne himself feels a fool for ever doubting Syrlya's love for him, and he feels an even bigger fool for letting himself find affections for someone that is not him.
He visibly relaxes as he sees Adelis's words take effect. He can hear the quieting of the ominous buzz in Mishka's mind, and though he does not step back, he leans in a way that allows him to walk past.
For a second, his eyes rest on Mishka. He hears those questions directed towards him. Trahearne's expression falls for a second, guilt stronger than anything else he feels in that moment. It was the sudden culmination of everything that broke me, he thinks. Try as I might, I could not win, it seems.
When he sees things calm, judging that things are probably going to be okay and that Mishka is probably not going to kill Syrlya, Trahearne takes a couple of steps back and finds his spot in his chair again. He leans forward, elbows on his knees, and he folds his hands before his mouth.
What then, indeed? ]
... I don't know.
[ Maybe someone else has a better, more articulated answer, but he does not know what to do with all the facts laid out before them like this. And he speaks his mind, perhaps more to himself.
Again, the question rolls around in his mind--
Polyamory? ]
I suppose that hinges on whether we decide to act on it or not.
[ That sounds like the next logical step. ]
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What then, indeed. What does he do with a reality that Adelis likes him back? Ignore it, push it down to preserve a precious friendship he doesn't want to lose again?
The brief happiness that occurred from the confession has already faded. Now he can't find joy in any of these revelations.
Trahearne's suggestion makes him tense.]
... I know when we talked about your feelings I said I would support whatever made you and Mishka happiest. [He purses his lips, lifting a weary gaze up at them. First to Trahearne, then to Mishka... and finally Adelis.]
But I don't think that is really what anyone here wants. I... cannot give you my blessing to actually form a romantic attachment to each other--though I am not angry and I do not ask that you two attempt to smother your feelings the way I did, since we have established breaking friendships will not work.
[But there's certainly no way Mishka would be able to stand the idea of Syrlya and Adelis in his mind, he's not sure Adelis could accept Trahearne, and there's really no way to keep things balanced if only two of them get everything they want.
Not that he considers Adelis would even want to romance him. It's a new revelation for him too. He's entirely focused on one side of each relationship having multiple others while the other has to worry about just keeping their friendship in tact. Love is just far too complicated.]
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But now they're all sitting, this information also sitting pretty in their heads. God, what a mess. Not in a million years did he think there would be a full circle of fucking emotions here, but here they are, and he really has no idea how to proceed- and it seems really none of them do, as well.
Trahearne's words have his lips pursing, partly in bewilderment. It's- well, not what he would have thought of, ever, and certainly not something he'd ever broach himself if given the chance. But then again, he rarely thought himself capable of relationships in the first place, so that shouldn't be surprising. He wouldn't call himself the overly jealous sort, not like the man beside him, but he was guilty of insecurity for a few reasons.
That being cleared, however, he merely peers through an unfocused gaze at Syrlya as he proceeds to take back his words. So he's not particularly interested, huh.
Well. He should have expected that. For whatever feelings they may have, he wouldn't be the best of partners, anyway. ]
...Personally, you cannot speak for me. [ Perhaps this is surprising, but Adelis' wavering tone is more solid than before, leaning back in his chair as he closes his eyes. ] Regards of how I felt...before, due to my beliefs, I believe I've heard enough. I was never the possessive sort to begin with, and I would prefer things to not fester and rot as they have up till now. If it is a mutual affair, of course.
[ This is just his onion, of course...they're Ostoyans, and their views of relationships and all that sort tends to be fairly skewed. If Mishka were still coming home to him, and not up and confessing his undying love to someone else, then....well, it'd be better than the early days where he was shoved off while Mishka was pursing his supposed Crescentview harem. At this with this, he'd know where he was.
And Syrlya, well....he was not lying, when he said he did miss things. It just ended up being more then he thought. When his eyes open, he finally fixes his gaze on the other man, unblinkingly. Yes, he is being serious. ]
...But mine is just one opinion of many. If not everyone is of like mind and with no desire for it, then there is simply no point.
[ Another tentative rub to his wet face, which sure is still going. God. ]
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... You seem so eager to condemn yourself, he answers, after a time, somewhere in his sea of thoughts. Like the rest of them, he has a lot to process and settle into. This is flattering, but it's also a lot of things, because he's uncertain about handling feelings. But your heart has never wavered from Syrlya. If the two of you consider your debt settled, your conflict before, you'd be better served to let it go.
Easier said than done, certainly, considering he and Adelis still nurses wounds from Fall. When is a debt considered settled? When is it considered done, squared away, even?
Only the two of them can decide that, and Mishka considers it in their best interests to make progress on the matter. So long as Trahearne remains guilty and Syrlya remains cautious about this whole affair about loving another, they will go in circles, infinitely, both ends of their scales in endless vacillation.
Is Syrlya more amenable to you in private? he could sense himself about to feel a bit of annoyance toward Syrlya, so he's going to channel it into a question that isn't so critical. He always seems to turn his shoulder to you.
He glances at Adelis, the sharp intrusion of his heel very difficult to miss, and the suggestion that he does owe an apology. He's just going to shift closer to Adelis, shoulder to shoulder and thigh to thigh, because he knows Adelis doesn't want him to be close. This is his heel-shove in return, but affectionate-aggressive.
Adelis's answer, though, surprises him, and he is quiet for a time as he mulls over his own feelings. Syrlya, frankly, has a strong point, and he agrees with the logic of it; however, he is not one to dismiss Adelis's surprisingly generous gesture, nor the suggestion that he feels secure in Mishka's affections for him. That improves his mood quite a bit.
Best to start at the simplest place, though— and that is not with feelings, it is with transaction. )
... If Adelis is in favor, I will be of equal mind. ( Since he's not going to kill Adelis, and all. Though the bug part of him did consider it, for a minute. It's obviously going to take work on his end, but he doesn't need to say that, does he? Everyone here has eyes. If they want to engage it, they're going to have to take him as he is. But, if only Adelis can do that, then... he does not want for more. ) And do not take this as a self-sacrificial gesture, for I have done it once before and I do not intend to make a habit of it going forward.
( Honestly, he's more surprised Trahearne is willing to suggest it after seeing him like this. Like, surely him being a weirdo is a bit of a turn-off, right? )
If Adelis's attachment to me dwarfs any other, then my foremost concern is addressed.
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