crescentview | 🌲 winter catchall 🌲

🌲 winter catchall 🌲

❄️ WHO: Trahearne & u baby!
❄️ WHAT: closed starters for winter
❄️ WHEN: all throughout winter
❄️ WHERE: all over the island
❄️ WARNINGS: to be added in thread headers (definitely nsfw)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Well. It seems no one wants to talk. So much for an open and honest meeting?

No. They are not leaving this house until they come up with a solution--whatever that may look like--and Trahearne will see to that. ]

All right. [ Trahearne sighs and gets to his feet, folding his arms across his chest. One by one his eyes settle on each party present, quietly sympathizing with each in what way he can. Mishka--he isn't sure what to make of what all of their thoughts seem to skirt around, but there are bigger problems to deal with right now. ]

First, I want to preface this--Syrlya. [ He glances over at him, his marshal façade melting away for a brief moment to reveal the man that has come to bloom into his own in Crescentview. ] I love you. More than anything in the world. And no matter how we all walk out of this house, that fact will not change.

[ That, he's sure of. ]

And you are hardly at fault here. [ He isn't sure if what he heard was his speech or his thoughts, but he's rolling with it regardless. ] I know and understand you never had any intention of letting these feelings come to light, but they have, and this is the reality we must deal with now.

[ He turns to face him a little more fully. ] If anything, this is my fault. I allowed my emotions to get the better of me, and I allowed that hurt to fester for too long in your heart without acknowledgment or apology. I should have waited before bringing it up. [ If at all.

He turns to Adelis. He knows the man doesn't want to be here, but he's kind of pivotal in this. They all are, unfortunately. ] Which, in turn, means I owe you my sincerest apologies, Adelis. My poor judgment has brought harm to you as well, and that was never my intention. At the end of the day, you and Syrlya are still good friends, [ as is evidenced by how hurt they both are ] and I never wanted to take that away from you.

Which means, [ He looks at Mishka, brows furrowing as he does. Something else is going on with him, but he hasn't figured out what exactly that is yet. ] I owe you an apology as well, Mishka. My actions have hurt your beloved, and it must pain you to see him upset like this.

[ Trahearne is definitely the problem here. ]

Edited 2023-03-15 09:09 (UTC)

[Syrlya's attention draws up when he sees Trahearne stand, arms crossed, and goes into... that. It's very business like, controlled, and... feels almost like it belies the intensity of those feelings.

Syrlya presses his hand to his face and lets out a sigh. But he waits for Trahearne to finish talking, at least.] Yes, I'm sure I would have got over them in private had I been allowed to. I expected they were unrequited, and... although it started before you asked to date proper, I had no intention of trying to compete with Mishka.

But you were hurt. A lot. [He looks up, pointedly. (You can't logic away what I felt.)] You were hurt enough to question my loyalty and I understand that. Perhaps I had been asking too much for the promises I had made Adelis.

[Adelis... right. Syrlya averts his gaze, meeting Adelis' more shyly--if Adelis will look at him.] I thought some space would be the best way to get over my crush, but I never wanted to push you away completely. I never wanted to push you away at all, I just--I did not know of a better way to fix the pain.

I did not realize it had hurt you so badly. I wanted you to know it was never your fault, that I had unfair feelings and I... thought it would be enough.

Edited 2023-03-15 09:37 (UTC)

[ ...As expected, Mishka would rather toss the ball in someone else's court. They were alike, in that regard, he just would have preferred it not being thrown partway in his. He barely knows how to deal with his own feelings, nevermind get entrenched in how everybody else is dealing with theirs.

Adelis watches Mishka's fingers brush the brand on his neck and frowns.

He's already not enthused with where this is going, but well, here we are. He can't really speak on the emotional validity of Trahearne's businesslike speech, considering himself, so he merely watches his eyes dart from all of them as he proceeds to address them all. When it turns to him, he notably looks away, lips pursing tightly at the words. He hates the idea some stupid relationship drama could truly harm him, like he'd allow himself to get close enough to someone that their absence would hurt, but the man at his side unfortunately says enough to those attempts.

It's when Syrlya speaks to him that he finally bothers to stop looking like an uncomfortable statue staring off into space, barely meeting the taller man's shy gaze....although he's still far from comfortable. ]

...It's my personal opinion that what people choose to do about their own feelings is none of my business. [ His nails absentmindedly dig into his palm. Sure, he's a charismatic enough person, but when it comes to properly voicing certain feelings that aren't aggravation or irritation, he doesn't do so hot. ] I was not going to tell you otherwise because it wasn't my place to do so. If that's what you wanted, then so be it. I wasn't going to fight for something you didn't want.

[ But unfortunately, that's not going to fly here, so here he is. ]

...But it's also my personal opinion that beating yourself down for someone else's sake is as stupid as they come. [ Rude(tm) but blunt. ] If one of you isn't happy, then neither of you will be, eventually, and there's no point in one-sided enjoyment.

[ He would rather be 6 feet under than continue, but he steels himself as his gaze shifts. ]

You're acting as if I ever blamed you for it. I would not. Perhaps that you've made questionable choices, but I'm hardly in any place to criticize at this point.

[ Trahearne needs some semblance of control here. He needs to stay afloat, to treat this with enough emotional distance so that he can listen impartially. He speaks from the heart, yes; his words are genuine, yes, but the muddled emotional response behind them might not make it seem so. He hears the quiet voice in the back of his mind telling him that this entire mess is all because of him, even if Syrlya was crushing before they started dating. That didn't matter. It was because of his kneejerk reaction that things began to spiral out of control.

Maybe the goddess should have never brought him back in the first place, to spare them all the pain?

He quietly listens as both Syrlya and Adelis speak. His eyes dart downward, temporarily breaking eye contact when Syrlya brings up his hurt. That...is true. He was hurt, confused, in the moment. The high of his own emotions amplified the lows, and he hurt Syrlya's feelings in turn.

Adelis does have a point. And when he's finished speaking, there's a brief pause as Trahearne considers what he says, beats back the self-effacement that threatens to seep out of its containments, and opens his mouth to speak. ]

You're right, Adelis. [ His brows raise momentarily before he turns to look at Syrlya. The pleading look on his face is as gone as quickly as it appears. ] I did feel betrayed. But I did not want you to hurt yourself, or hurt your friendship with Adelis. And I told you as much.

[ He frowns, lips pursing. ]

I acted before I had time to process the information and think for myself. I was wrong. It is okay, and natural to be fond of multiple people. If I have learned anything in these past few weeks, that is it. ...Especially with the time that separates us.

[ As much as it stings to admit, it's true. Trahearne can't hold Syrlya back forever. ]

[Syrlya isn't really sure how he would have responded if Adelis did try to fight him on it. At the time, he had been so certain. But now, at the last of Adelis' statement Syrlya smiles lightly with appreciation. The understanding, at least, is a bit of hope he was reluctant to hold onto.

And then Trahearne continues.]

And what, I instead wait until the next time you see us hold hands or I spend too long at his house and come back to you wondering? To feel that betrayal again? [He snaps a little as he turns up to Trahearne, but purses his lips to swallow down his ire.] Whether you say it is wrong now, of course it isn't easy for me to feel as though I have hurt you!

[As if this had been an easy decision for him to come to. And perhaps that's really where he's grating against Trahearne's desire to be in control of his emotions--as if, in turn, Syrlya's reaction had been excessive in comparison.

He huffs, sinking back into his seat.] Fine, I overreacted and it was a terrible idea to push Adelis away because all it's done is upset him and make me miss him every day.

[Happy??]

No.

[ Of course it doesn't make him happy.

Trahearne sits back down on his seat, eyes never leaving Syrlya. His brows are knit with concern. Just as his beloved often does for him, he exudes a calmness; he reaches out to rest a hand on his arm. ]

You hurting doesn't make me happy. Especially knowing it is my fault. Like Adelis said, you beating yourself down for me is doing favours for neither of us. Please, if you miss him, then make up with him.

[ An echo of searing pain settles over his chest, and Trahearne absently rests his hand over it to soothe it. But it is enough to put a crack in his walls, and the guilt seeps out. ]

I have harmed you. [ He blinks, pushing down the well of melancholy that follows. ] I don't know what I should do, or how I should apologise to make it better.

[ No matter what he does, nothing seems to work. What can he do at this point, short of asking the goddess to take his life back?

This is why he was trying to act professional—once he starts losing control, it's hard to take it back. ]

I just--[He strangles a frustrated noise, raking a hand back through his bangs. Briefly, he casts his gaze aside to Adelis before pressing his face into his hands.]

I don't care if it was justified or not. You were hurt enough not to trust me and I... don't ever want to cause that again. I do want Adelis back. But I don't want you to regret it. Because if you're not happy I won't be, either.

[He's... afraid, of it happening again. Trahearne gripping onto some reason to doubt him for something he didn't even realize he did wrong. It's like Mishka said--he reads deeply into everything Syrlya does. And if Syrlya acts without thinking?]

[ Syrlya doesn't shove him away, so Trahearne's hand gently squeezes Syrlya's arm. ]

Syrlya, look at me.

[ Amber settles on pools if black, not necessarily in search of anything, but as a way to lay bare his own heart. ]

I would never regret a decision that leads to your happiness, because that is the most important thing in the world to me.

[ Part of learning to love—unconditionally—is accepting all that his partner is. Time separates them, yes; he sees glimpses of who Syrlya once was when they first met, yes, but he has grown and changed since then. Learning about all these new sides of him has not always been easy, but Trahearne finds that at the end of the day, learning something new about him always makes him happy. ]

I understand—better now. I have learned my lesson. This will work only if we communicate openly. [ He is not a mind-reader. Usually. ] I will make an earnest effort to speak with you first, and not let my thoughts spiral. All I ask is that you be open with me, too.

[ But of course, this isn't something that concerns only the two of them. Trahearne's gaze drifts towards the Ostoyans. ]

This is about more than us, however.

[ Well. This is. Awkward to watch, isn't it. Where this anybody else, he would have probably opted to just get up and leave rather than get involved, but he'd probably get caught before he could do so- unfortunate. His gaze idly darts between the two Sylvari, a faint twitch in his brow at the back and forth-

But the admittance of Syrlya missing him- every day, no less-, has him freezing up in utter bewilderment. Huh.

What. What? What is he listening to. The further they gone, the more bewildered he gets, straining to parse if he's hearing correctly. He knew about the crush, yes, and how he still wanted them to be...friends? In some capacity? But not to this extent. In his mind, if he wanted to be away from him, then he clearly wouldn't miss him.

( Perhaps, in some part, that was what had made it feel so off in his chest. )

He's busy trying to sort this out when he realizes the attention has shifted, as he finds himself faintly tensing up under the taller man's gaze before he quickly turns his own elsewhere. Why. ]

...As I said. Whatever you decide to do is up to you. I won't influence your decisions. But one can only insist so much before they run out of things to say.

[ Mainly because God Help Him?? He doesn't know how to deal with this? ]

But if we're to be on the topic of such things, I suppose there is something else that needs addressing. Mishka.

[ He is Looking. Directly at you. Clearly he has no intense feelings here, so he can wait, in his opinion. ]

( For his part, he's just satisfied Syrlya seems willing to walk back on his departure from Adelis, and, in studying Adelis's shock, he's determined it's a decently positive reaction (for an Adelis). This is not to say that he hasn't felt an unsettled unhappiness when he considers the physical intimacy between Adelis and Syrlya, and Syrlya's significance to Adelis, but. he is able to keep those feelings at bay, even if it is unhappily. He knows the worst of his jealousy derives from his inward pollution; still, he can't help but wish he were not so tested.

The conflict between the two sylvari, he thinks, he understands, but does not necessarily have the language to mediate. Syrlya acts with the intent of prevention, holding onto Trahearne's past hurt as a suggestion for what may happen again in the future; Trahearne wants to divorce himself from his past hurt, and strive to do different in the coming days. Both noble enough, he supposes, but clearly at odds without compromise.

He hasn't spoken up, because he cannot fairly argue for either. His opinion here is not necessarily one of his own beliefs as to which is the most correct, but one couched in what would make Adelis happiest. When he occupied Syrlya's position in his and Adelis's recent talks, he effectively suggested taking the same route, if a little bloodier. Sacrificing Trahearne, or harming himself, are the most convincing things he can think of.

Neither option seems to satisfy his or Syrlya's partners, though.

The sudden swing of the conversation back to him is sudden, though, and he isn't happy with how Adelis spotlights him, nor takes on that tone. He wants to argue that he's admitted more than enough given Adelis already knows exactly what he means, but he knows that Syrlya will needle him if he does not confess outright when he already had to. )

... What is there to address, but what you wish of me?

( He lets go of Adelis's hand, because he's folding his arms, but also because he's a little peeved at him.

He does not look at Syrlya, and he does not look at Trahearne. )

To him, I am only a friend. He has no physical needs, as you do, and he has quite cleanly dedicated himself to Syrlya, and I have otherwise aligned myself with you. He isn't at all aware, and I have not once pursued him.

( He says, literally right in front of Trahearne, because... even now, he's struggling to admit it. Admitting his feelings for Adelis was hard enough, and, even now, the word love feels strange in his mouth. )

Is what you need to witness my rejection? Will that put you at ease?

Edited 2023-03-16 08:10 (UTC)

[ When Adelis begins to speak, Trahearne withdraws his hand from Syrlya and faces forward again, giving the other man's words his full attention. He's hoping to hear some sort of acceptance, or openness--

Except Adelis flips the issue right back around to Mishka. What is Mishka's problem, indeed? The thing everyone's thoughts seem to skirt around, the mystery element. Trahearne tilts his head curiously as he turns his attention to the older man, gears in his mind churning as he takes in what he says.

And as it settles in his mind, it--

...

Mishka? Has feelings for Trahearne?

But. But why?

The sylvari feels like he's been blindsided. He isn't expecting the hit to a sore spot he hadn't realized has festered in the past few weeks--season, even. The blow sets off a cloud of emotion that roils uncomfortably in his chest, one that escapes its trappings, clouds his mind, and threatens to rip off his calm bearing.

Is...is that what that feeling is?

Does this make him a hypocrite?

Trahearne feels his strength leaving him, the rusted hinges of the containers around his emotions creak. He knows Syrlya must feel some of that--the conflict--and he can't handle...any of this, really. He doubles over himself, burying his face in his hands. ]

[ If everything is coming out, then everything is coming out- and he knows Mishka would rather never bring it up, if the opportunity arose, despite being the one to suggest talking in the first place. But both he and Syrlya would never let him get away with it, that much he knows. Adelis has an inkling of whatever he's going to ahve to address himself eventually, both with the situation and Mishka's roiling jealousy that he knows bubbles beneath the surface, but it's not the most pressing thing.

He was expecting the attitude of course, and despite the hollow of the warmth fading from him now that the contact is gone, his expression doesn't flinch as he pulls his hand back.

This had been an...interesting talk before. And it will be now, again. He doesn't really want to do it either, but the longer they drag this out, the more insane he's going to go- he already feels more trapped then he'd like. Mishka's words make him twitch, slightly in irritation, but he tempers the look on his face to something more mild. It's obvious he isn't impressed. ]

That isn't what I said, you idiot.

[ His mouth opens, poised to continue, but the sight of Trahearne promptly bending over with his head in his hands brings him pause. He...wasn't really expecting that, and it shows, but rather than bring attention to it himself, he returns to the question at hand, gaze sharpening. ]

If we're all supposed to spill our guts here and now, then you cannot simply pretend it doesn't exist, as much as I'd sure you'd love to. [ Because Mishka is Mishka, and they are truly one in the same in that regard. The pot calling the kettle black. ] Especially when the method to deal with them that seems to spring to mind first always has to do with spilling blood or breaking things. This isn't hellsforsaken Ostoya.

[ Is this an indirect jab at Syrlya and his self-sacrificing ways, also? Yes. The frustration is evident in the way Adelis opts to look away from Mishka after that. ]

If I had up and asked if you wanted something I could not give you before, you would have done the same damn thing as Syrlya. [ He doesn't like how that slips out with a snap, digging his nails faintly into his skin as the color idly fades from it. ] And look where that has gotten us, because two of you would rather throw yourselves in the pyre than speak of it properly!

( Even Mishka can tell Trahearne is stressed. He gets it. He's in the middle of a tiff with his partner about infidelity and feelings, and now he has to deal with Mishka's feelings. It's fine. It makes sense Trahearne isn't happy.

Just, you know, that's never the reaction a person wants to get from the person they may have feelings for after implying one has feelings for them. Mishka's eyebrows furrow, and his lips purse. He wonders if Trahearne feels betrayed, somehow. It's fine. He gets it. Mishka wouldn't want himself to like him, either.

Honestly speaking, he isn't really even sure if Adelis is happy about being with him, either. If he had a choice to alter his feelings, would he?

He narrows his eyes very slightly at Adelis, and he is quiet for a moment. )

... If that is what you want.

( Mishka does think they should talk about this whole thing with Syrlya and Trahearne and Adelis, because it's directly making Adelis sad, but he doesn't understand what putting this out in the open will do. Syrlya knows and is secure in his relationship, and Trahearne didn't know and was happier in the moments leading up to it than he is now. And Adelis... isn't going to be convinced of Mishka's faith just because Mishka is confessing it aloud.

But, fine. Mishka asked Adelis what he wanted him to do, and Adelis wants him to publicize it explicitly. He considers this a cruel ask, but he allows it because he has been quite cruel to Adelis in recent history.

He sighs, pulling his arms apart. )

... I don't know when it started, but I began, at some point, to have these fond feelings for Trahearne.

( He holds Adelis's gaze for some moments, before he takes up his jaw in his hand, and leans in, their mouths that much closer, his pupil's fixed on Adelis's own. In his gaze is strangely not a chilling ice, but a blazing, bestial obsession. )

Blood does not convince you, action does not convince you, and I doubt words will, either. But if you could know my mind, you would know I think of you enough to suffocate.

Ours was never a relationship of trust. But if you ever pull from me because you doubt me, then I will chase you without relent, until there is only the two of us, at the far ledge of the world.

( And he lets those words hang there like a haze before his fingers slip away, and he turns his gaze toward Trahearne (and, given he's Trahearne's neighbor, somewhat Syrlya)— his look settles into a sort of resignation, neither hot, nor cold. )

... I'm sorry for the poor news. ( Since he thinks Trahearne isn't really happy to hear this. ) I only learned it from the magnifying glass, and I kept it hidden because our paths are entirely split. You've made your feelings for me very clear, so I've not...

( There's a sort of lingering ache here, that he wishes he didn't feel. Trahearne had made it clear two, three times now that they were just friends, and it wasn't easier in any iteration. )

... I've not approached you with any intention. ( The feelings intention, anyway. ) Like Syrlya, I had been expecting it would fade, with time. I am comfortable with you disregarding them, if you would like.

( Please... He doesn't want Trahearne to clarify a fourth time they're just friends... He doesn't want to feel bitter in front of Adelis...

He doesn't know if this makes him unfaithful or hypocritical or not. He knows his feelings for Adelis are a class of their own, even if he is... attached to Trahearne, and he's comfortable with that. Is he not, after all, tolerating Syrlya and Adelis's intimacy, and Syrlya's crush on Adelis, with an attempt of faith in Adelis's affection for him? Is it so wrong to ask for the same faith in return?

Does Adelis feel the same way Trahearne does, about Mishka's attachment to him? Head in hands, uncomfortable? He isn't frank or sweet like Syrlya, and he doesn't know how to be. Is that the type of love they want? Would that be less repellent? )

Edited 2023-03-16 09:34 (UTC)

[Trahearne turns the conversation back to the Ostoyans, but before he can offer to .end the gap with Adelis--he's already batted it back to Mishka.

Ah. This has also been a problem, hasn't it? (I did not realize we were in the same situation).

He cringes as Adelis points out the situation they're in again, because of him. At the same time, he can believe Mishka would have taken a similar route to compensate feelings of his that wound Adelis, because he similarly...]

We only ever want to do right by the both of you. [Him, and Mishka, and he looks from Adelis to Trahearne who is... really not taking this well. There's a pang of sympathy for Mishka.

He clears his throat.] I realize that neither of us have done a particularly good job of that so far.

Mishka is not very introspective of certain feelings of his. [Syrlya looks at him, pointed. Do not dare refute that Mr. "Do I seem that I love Adelis after I sacrificed my life for him".] Love tends to hit you unexpected and without warning, and I am sure it is no reflection on how he feels about Adelis any more than my feelings for Adelis are a reflection of those for Trahearne.

I'll... admit we've talked about it. I could not fault Mishka for seeing in Trahearne the things I love, just as I understand all the things about Adelis that he loves.

But it is easy for me to understand Mishka's conviction that Adelis is first in his heart, even if he's developed affections for another, because I am in the same position.

[He doesn't think Trahearne is ready to talk about Mishka liking him though, so he turns to Adelis--] So what do you think about all of this? Aside from us not trying to bleed to appease you and Trahearne. [Figuratively or literally.. His expression twists wryly.] My feelings for you are out in the open as well and I'm afraid we do need your influence in this matter since you're a part of it.

Edited 2023-03-16 16:39 (UTC)

[ Adelis, admittedly, can see how the reaction clearly doesn't settle well with Mishka himself- and maybe he finds that a bit irritating, that Trahearne is having such a dramatic reaction to it. He has his own gripes, yes, but he's acting like it's bloody terrible- and while Adelis would say so himself, it's not like he believes it.

He is not expecting the touch, tensing up at the sheer intensity of the stare that bores into him, but there is something reassuring in the blaze. Perhaps this makes him just as ill, when he thinks about it. ]

...I would not expect any less.

[ The jealousy, he finds, stems less from the idea of Mishka liking another, and more the sheer difference between them. He and Trahearne could not be more opposite, with the other having an pleasant countenance and loving adoration he could not mimic if he tried, nor would he want to. It makes him uncomfortable to think that despite everything, part of him is not enough.

But he shoves it down and lets the deep swallow it, because that is always more convenient.

And then Syrlya begins speaking, and he finds his own lips pursing again, if only because that's...very true. Adelis himself denied whatever inkling he had out of anger for the first long while, but even he wasn't as bad as a certain someone else. Still, there is a part that makes him pause- ]

You two did what.

[ They talked?? About him and Trahearne?? Hells, it had better not have been in public, he's not ready for that kind of embarrassment, eyebrows twitching despite his best efforts. (Un)Luckily, he's offered ample distraction in the form of Syrlya promptly batting the ball right back in his court, and by the look on his face, he's clearly not happy about it.

There is a moment of silence as his gaze shifts elsewhere, crossing his arms across his chest like Mishka had done moments ago, not meeting the smile. Would that he could teleport out the bloody window... ]

...'Trying'. Not thinking of doing it to begin with should be rather bloody obvious. [ As they've said. But right, of course that's not what needs to be said. ] ...My feelings stem little from the feelings themselves, and more the decisions being made about them. I've little interest in breaking anything off, as I'm sure most here do, for the sake of a lack of communication. That will do nobody here any favors.

[ For somebody who can be so charismatic, it sure feels like prying the words out of him is a desperate struggle. His gaze flickers to Trahearne's pathetic-ass form, and then to Mishka. ]

...I was more frustrated by being blindsided by it, if only due to certain events that lead up to us. [ You know. Mishka being a complete fucking asshole. A pointed look. ] Especially considering the stark differences between me and him. Had the Fall season not been so difficult, it likely would not have surprised me so much.

[ And then his gaze slides to Syrlya, reluctantly. ]

And I- was not expecting the confession, in any capacity. That doesn't mean I...despised it, or anything along those lines. I just wasn't something I even considered possible.

[ Mishka is Ostoyan and thus utterly insane, but Adelis knows he's...different. Enough that he covers himself up, dislikes looking in the mirror- he fails to see why somebody like Syrlya would like somebody like him. Especially since he is also a Trahearne Enjoyer...??

He resists the urge to grind his teeth. He looks uncomfortable enough to leap out of his seat. ]

And, I...will admit, I found myself admittedly worse off without you around. I did not realize how comfortable I had gotten until it was...gone. But you had made your choice, and I loathed to consider the idea of shoving myself in spaces I was not welcome.

[ His voice hesitates on 'comfortable'- there is something else there that makes his head hurt, and part of him still doesn't know how to exactly put it into wrods. ]

[It was definitely in public but that's neither here nor there.

Syrlya is attentive the whole time. Adelis having lingering insecurity from how Mishka treated him--that's understandable. Though he's a little surprised that Adelis is contrasting himself so strongly as the worse option.

Which leads into Syrlya's feelings.] I am very practiced in hiding such things by this point, so I would have been more surprised had you caught on.

[He's not as slick as he thinks it's just that nobody will ask him directly without proof.

His gaze averts to Trahearne for a second. Mostly to see how he's holding up.

He rests his arms in his knees, leaning forward to give Adelis his full attention.] You are important to me. I am happier in the life that has you in it. I am sorry I had not considered that our friendship would be just as important to you. If you'll forgive me... then I want to welcome you again. Always.

[He's still a little apprehensive to say it, but... it is genuine, from the heart. He'd like to take the moment to repair the broken bridge.]

[ Luckily for Syrlya after the last issue with someone who liked him he wouldn't have even considered it.

Still, he does consider himself rather insightful, so he sticks a sour look on his face as per usual. He's definitely not slick. Would be he had more time to pay attention rather than dealing with his oversized bog dog.

There is a tense quiet as Syrlya speaks, finding that odd feeling in the back of his head roiling louder the more he goes on in his usual way, speaking of him with a fondness he's not quite used to hearing. Adelis feels the urge to look away again, to try and stamp it out and focus, but it feels like it would be a disservice when he's giving him all of his attention already.

There's a beat before he opens his mouth. ]

...Something for you to consider, then, for the future. [ Even if he won't outright admit it in such terms. He absentmindedly twirls a piece of hair around his finger, giving it a sharp tug. ] Normally, I would charge you due recompense. But just this once, I'll make an exception....if it makes you as happy as you say.

[ The tips of his ears are tinted a faint shade of pink, pallor of his skin getting paler without anybody to touch. You can chalk it up to the embarrassment of speaking of emotions publicly, however. ~~Unless?~~]

...But you've much time to make up for. I suggest you don't forget that.

[Syrlya does indeed just assume that flush is the embarrassment of having to talk about things directly. It's cute, but--not the most important part here.

He smiles warmly, finally with enough strength for it to be genuine.] It would make me very happy.

[He never wanted to lose a friend. Absently, he twists his hand over his arm--loosening the silver bracelet from higher up and letting it fall back down into view against his wrist. That was getting kind of uncomfortable anyway. He chuckles.] I understand. I won't forget what I owe you, then, as you've been so generous in your forgiveness.

[A little tease.. There's a buzz of happiness within him, though he diverts his attention to Trahearne, considering his reaction... er, if he was even paying attention.]

[ Trahearne has been paying attention, surprisingly.

Is he not taking it well?

Perhaps not. That's the conclusion the others have come to, after all.

But he folds to contain himself. There is--too much happening in his heart and in his mind; had he not given himself these moments to calm himself, find composure, he most certainly would have fallen apart in front of the others, and he doesn't want that. He is, if anything, determined to see that his composure remains in tact for this talk, lest he give into more impulsive, emotional reactions. He doesn't want that, either. For the time being, he is content to let the others talk amongst themselves, clear up the air betwen them, mend bridges, while he listens (where their thoughts end and physical voices begin is a line he has trouble distinguishing, though).

Syrlya's words are calming, in that special way he knows they are, the way he knows, in theory, in conjecture, that has united Tyria. He speaks in a measured tone, but in a way Trahearne knows comes from the heart. Even if he is not the one being spoken to, it helps him all the same. "I am sure it is no reflection on how he feels about Adelis any more than my feelings for Adelis are a reflection of those for Trahearne." Some of the awkward edges in him soften; perhaps there was some part of him that needed to hear that from Syrlya, in that tone.

He is surprised, a little, to learn that Mishka and Adelis mirror him and Syrlya. It can't be a concidence, at this point.

When he at last sits up and sits back, there's distress on his face. His eyes seem tired--he had shed a tear or two while his face was covered, not that anyone knew or could tell, purely out of the shock of emotion--and they first settle on Syrlya. A hand gently rests on his back, and the corner of his mouth curls lightly upward as he feels that buzz of happiness. Good, as though he seems to say. I'm glad you've made up.

His eyes then drift to Adelis, and settle on him for a moment. He hears every passing thought of insecurity, of slight jealousy. Why be jealous of Trahearne at all? Trahearne thinks himself nothing special--not here, not now. Adelis has a spark to him he can understand the other two might find appealing. In contrast, Trahearne is little more than a dark cloud that hangs in the corners, that surrounds himself with death; if anything, Trahearne should think himself lucky that not one, but two??? people have affections for him.

He finds this hard to understand. Adelis, at least, is much more attractive than him.

But that isn't the true source of Adelis's ire. And so his attention shifts; instead of looking to Mishka, his eyes drop. When he finally speaks up, his voice is quiet. ]

It's not...terrible. [ His tone is little more than a mutter. At least, he thinks that's what Adelis said. He heard Mishka's resignation, he heard Adelis's displeasure, he felt Syrlya's sympathy for Mishka. Is that what this seems like? That he thinks another's feelings for him terrible? ]

When we first met, you remarked how lovely of a thing it must be, to be loved by me. [ Trahearne stares at his open palms, rings glinting faintly in the light. ] I did not understand what you meant. To be honest, I...am still not sure what that means, entirely.

[ Because what does he give that no one else already gives? He finds that hard to wrap his head around. ]

But... It was not long ago, as you fussed over me when I inhabited Adelis's body that I thought...what a lovely thing it is, to be loved by you. The thought caused such an ugly feeling to rear its head in my heart, and I realised that was because I was--

[ Jealous.

Trahearne purses his lips, guilt and heartache tearing him apart from the inside. He hates feeling like this, especially considering his reaction when he found out about Syrlya's crush. (Is this a crush? He knows what a crush feels like, as this is not his first in Crescentview; this feels so much more...significant than that.) He most certainly is the biggest hypocrite in this room. If Syrlya is angry at him for this, then it is well-deserved.

He sighs, his breath shaky. ]

Needless to say, Mishka, the feeling...

[ At last, his eyes turn upward to the other man, amber fixing on him with the studious intensity only Trahearne can produce. ]

...is mutual.

Edited 2023-03-17 16:10 (UTC)

( There is a sort of wry irony that even he can appreciate, here: he had worried so much and so terribly about Trahearne affirming their friendship, he had not the time to consider if there was a response that might be worse, more humiliating. Certainly, he had gotten his wish. Trahearne does not affirm their friendship, and he remains withdrawn. Trahearne doesn't answer in the moments after, or the moments after that, and after waiting maybe longer than he feels he ought, Mishka turns his gaze back to the flow of conversation, which rolls on without Trahearne.

It's just as well, though, that he has this break, because Syrlya's voice echoes when he speaks, but the words come out strange. They're not the things he says with his lips, but his voices compliments his dialogue with insight; and then again, Adelis's voice echoes when he speaks, and suggests the same.

For the first several moments of this spontaneous telepathy (thanks, Goddess), he thinks he must not have been as immune to his hallucinogens as he expected himself to be (don't ask about his diet after the whole beast thing). But the echoes make too much sense; they follow the conversation correctly, and compliment the expressions well.

His look of unhappy tolerance toward his whole situation with Trahearne turns into one of perplexed uncertainty as he observes the conversation as a whole as he begins to understand. Ellis has experienced this; he knows this intimately. Mind reading, really? He gazes at Adelis as his exchange with Syrlya continues, not missing the relieving thoughts that argue for jealousy, not disinterest, in tandem with Adelis's case about the Fall and the stark difference between him and Trahearne— but this is soon eclipsed by the thrum of feeling he thinks he knows the tune of in Adelis's head, the flush and fluster recognizable.

Mishka may not be introspective, and Adelis may not have the words for it yet, but jealousy knows when to recognize the spectre of a threat.

Then, Trahearne speaks. )

( He doesn't know what he expects, between his thoughts and speech. It all tumbles together, rolling into something bigger than itself, Trahearne's words coming slow but his meaning building faster. Mishka can't predict where Trahearne intends to conclude with his interjection; even the revelation of jealousy doesn't suggest to him an ending, because he hasn't the time to process it before Trahearne ends it. Jealous? Of what, of who, for what?

But Trahearne's answer this time is terribly clear, and in a minute he will understand why Trahearne reacted the way he did when Mishka confessed nearly outright.

But we are not a minute in yet. Mishka is in the here and now, and he has stumbled to a full stop, eyes wide and lips slightly parting. There are implications here and complications to consider, but he's not having any of that.

There's no thoughts here, because this was so far out of the realm of possibility he can't be in anything but shock; there's just a deep sort of blush that sears his skin along the neck and the shoulders, and only barely the far edges of his cheeks— entirely missable, but apparent here.

It's certainly not a look anyone but Trahearne's been privy to before. )

... I'm... sorry?

[ The hum of thoughts suddenly hush, and that is a sign that Trahearne has made a mistake.

They are supposed to be honest though, right? The truth of all those interactions, their history is suddenly ripped open at the seams, laying bare its contents for Trahearne to see. There isn't anything left for him to question. He understands now.

The containment around his feelings shatter, and Trahearne tenses. There's a whorl of guilt and regret that swirls inside of him, growing bigger than his comparatively larger frame can handle. It manifests as a wave of unease, of anxiety, of the intense desire to take everything back; his hands on his lap ball into tight fists. ]

I--I did not understand what these feelings were, and I was content to simply file them away as our...dynamic. We are marrying the loves of our lives, and so I did not care to analyse them further.

[ Trahearne's eyes dart to the side, at Syrlya, expression riddled with guilt. He holds his gaze there for a moment, as though asking for forgiveness, before he drops it again to his balled fists. ]

I had no idea that was how you felt about me. I almost don't believe it. But now that you tell me this, I...

[ His expression twists again; it feels like his chest is being ripped in two--not along his scar, not the way it feels when he pines for Syrlya, but as a clean cut down his chest, like Mishka is surgically taking him apart--and the conflict in him settles in his eyes.

He looks up at Mishka again. ]

...I realise, now, it is because I've fallen for you.

[ How hard, he isn't sure he wants to find out. ]

( Though his recovery is slow, he works himself back up on his feet. With courage he wouldn't have expected from Trahearne given his pillbug curl just moments before, Trahearne walks him along the fault lines of his mistake, and Mishka, though off-balance, follows.

There are technicalities he could pause for (was it all sudden, just because of that bit with Adelis? Had it roots from something earlier on, the way Trahearne now, with his wet-eyed, guilty gaze, reminds him of when they first formally met?), but he does not, though he wonders them. He hesitates instead, as is rare for him, and he sets his fingers along the back of his neck, where he feels the imprint of his branded collar.

There is this much richness in his life now, that he had not once ever conceived of before. For better, or worse.

He sucks in a breath, and attempts to find composure, instead of settling into the consuming greed he tends to find when he's faced with a thing he wants. )

... I suppose, then, we are of the same mind. ( That they were marrying others, for whom they feel a particular magnitude greater; that they intended to leave things be. But, ) I had not believed it myself, until it was insisted to me. And I've known you to want Syrlya more than anything.

( But,

To continue seems unwise, because they are to be wed, and they are content with their matching. They would have to leave this be, one would assume— part gracefully as they could,

but,

he looks toward Adelis, toward whom he feels no guilt because he knows acutely the destructive intensity of his own feelings, and his only task is generally to prove it, after how firmly he's denied it. )

... I think Adelis has something he ought acknowledge about Syrlya, if we are to keep this conversation fair.

( He needs a second to process, and he needs permission from Syrlya and Adelis on how he can respond, because a mutual confession between two taken individuals is sticky.

But Also,

He wants to know if his jealousy has latched onto ghosts, or if there's something real. )

Edited 2023-03-17 22:09 (UTC)

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